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Beelzebub

01/05/2022 08:26 PM 

Hair care since on other websites people do ask.
Current mood:  adored

Blog has been updated since December 4th of 2021 as when I was reading this again I noticed there was some things that were out of place and some places the sentence didn't get finished whoops! Also that wasn't because I was rushing I just had to many ideas and hit saved and forgot about checking this blog entry lol!   Some people have asked about my hair care and what I use for my hair. I make zero claims this will work for your hair. But if your hair is picky and very finicky what your hair likes and my hair structure looks like yours then this MIGHT work for you and if you're looking for a new shampoo or conditioner and since these are budget friendly then I would say you've nothing to lose but just don't come at me if you tried one of my favorite products and doesn't work for you LOL. Since people asked me on various websites about my hair care, I will state a few things.   I don't use Suave. Suave has made my son's hair very brittle and hay-like and rough looking over the course of a month or so using this company. My dad even noticed something was wrong with his hair. My dad was like what is wrong with your son's hair? I went over and looked at his hair and I quickly switched out his shampoo quickly. Once I switched him to Dove his hair was fine. What is wrong with Suave? Suave is nothing but a chemical bomb and I mean to the extreme that's all Suave is full of toxins. You wanna know what's really funny? Some people have complained to Suave about hair fall and hair loss and asked if this claim was true and the company never responded and this was on a IG post LOL! I think that's pretty messed up though a company doesn't respond to a concerning question but will answer non concerning questions.   Head and Shoulders? No Head and Shoulders is the same as Suave ingredients are at the bottom of the list. Also many Head and Shoulder products stink. Just another chemical bomb.   Herbal Essence the botanical series line? No, nothing is wrong with this company. My hair doesn't like this brand for some reason. I get a lot of dandruff and I try not to think about itching.   Dove? Yes, Dove is very good, however I just don't like the smell anymore. I used to use the cedarwood oil and lime oil which can only be bought at Walmart/Walnuts. This is a 2 and 1 and also 90 PLANT DELIVERED. However, since the humidity is bad where I live I do have to use a separate conditioner on my hair even though this product is 2 and 1. The conditioner isn't strong enough to withstand the humidity here and I need a separate conditioner. The only thing I don't like about this is going to a certain store to get the certain smell but that's like how some of my shampoo and conditioner product lines are. I also liked the eucalyptus 2 and 1 which is also 90 plant delivered just like the cedarwood and lime. oil But the problem is. This can be bought anywhere unlike the lime oil which Walmart a.ka.a. Walnuts only carries. However I guess that shows that Suave is the most toxic shampoo out there. At least Dove doesn't destroy my son's hair but that could be because Suave's ingredient list is longer than Dove is by a long shot. Also Suave makes 0 claims about being 90 plant delivered on their bottle. Which Dove makes that 90 percent natural delivered claim on their bottle unlike Suave for those two products I listed. So that's probably why Dove doesn't make my son's hair look like a hay bin. But yeah just no.   V05? Never used their shampoo as I find most of their stuff is watery and you've to use a lot and this would be good with someone with short hair. I would probably have to use a lot of product. Their conditioners are the best for silicone free option and the cheapest you can buy on the market. The downside is. How watery the conditioner is just like the shampoo. Really is awful if you've long hair. Because the strawberries and cream were a delightful product to use. As well as the kiwi. The smoothie version was stinky. However and same with the ocean refresh one. Just having to use so much product on your hair is the downside. Bonus? All silicone free like I said. But not saying this is a bad product just I need a lot for my hair length.   I feel so bad for putting Hask here. This used to be my favorite band of all time but now my favorite shampoo and conditioner white truffle oil and orchid, and this product is nowhere to be found in the stores. Hask says you can buy a bottle for $11.25 on Walmart's website. I guess that means the product is going goodbye and as much as I love this stuff I can't spend $11.25 on shampoo and conditioner both that goes over my budget on what I can buy for hair care and my dad told me I can't go over $8 for shampoo and conditioner separate. I guess what a shame. I wonder what happened? Not popular? Stunk? I really enjoyed the earthy truffle smell! This was the best radiant shine I ever had on my hair. Perfectly moisturized. This is all I would ever use until the store stopped selling this product in store which is a big shame. Even more sad the peach oil and rose oil color care shared the same fate sadly. However this one you can only buy on Amazon. This smelt like peaches more than rose but oh my my hair adored this one just as much as the white truffle oil. I've followed the company on Instagram hoping one day these two will return into the store. I  want to state that I used to really adore their Keratin line but I recently tried that and my hair was super dry as heck. What happened? Yeah I didn't like the fruit cake smell but I can easily mask that with 6 drops of eucalyptus oil which you can get under $4 @ HEB or eBay would be cheaper. My hair was so parched. Maybe I got a bad batch or something.    L'Oreal Ever Pure is good, the only downside is you only get 8.5 ounces for almost under $8 which is ouch if you've long hair. Sometimes Target will have a $2 off coupon so that's when I grab that up. Their Thickening and Moisture versions are very good. Just wish you got more for the price.   So now let's go on to products that I like using!   1. Garnier Whole Blends for some reason my hair really loves this brand. My hair is always happy while using their products. I mainly stick with the Cranberry and Argan Oil and their Ginger and Honey.  These are the best price you can get for under $5 that claim their formula is made by an all natural blend. Hence their brand name Whole Blends LOL. Their products never make me itch. Weight down my hair. Or makes my hair look like utter sh*t lol. Their Royal Jelly is really good. I just don't like the smell anymore. This is what got me into Whole Blends in the first place with the shampoo and conditioner set but now as I'm older I just don't like the scent anymore. Their Olive Oil conditioner is a homerun that is legit like butter for your hair. Like all conditioners I let them absorb in my strands for 3-5 minutes. When I rinse my hair with the Olive Oil conditioner my hair is like butter. What's good about this affordable hair care is several reasons on their website of Whole Blends the company claims that their products are. Solidarity sourcing if you want to know what this means then you can read the link. Eco designed formulas if you want to know what this means click on the link. Besides the lid or pump the whole entire bottle is 100 percent made out of recycled plastic. Renewable energy. Produced in a plant powered by no less than 45 percent renewable energy. The only downside is? For the Cranberry and Olive Oil conditioner if you don't have a HEB you must go to Walgreens to purchase this. Or use a store locator or their website. My Walmart only carries under 5 product lines by Garnier Whole Blends and well Cranberry and Olive Oil isn't one of em. But just like Renpure for their old formula I've to go to a select store just to go get that. However knowing me I probably will not enjoy the scent anymore when I get older and probably will just stick with the ginger and honey because the cranberry is a pretty strong smell after using this for a few weeks.   https://www.garnierusa.com/about-our-brands/whole-blends/argan-cranberry-color-care/color-care-shampoo-with-argan-oil-cranberry-extractsHere is what got me first into Whole Blends. What I liked about this shampoo when I enjoyed the smell is that Garnier supports the bee conservancy and Garnier respects the damn fuzzy bees. Want to know more? Garnier goes into this detail on their product page for this series line.   I do however add a drop of eucalyptus oil in the non smelling mint shampoo because my young prince goes to school and I really don't want to have any bugs. Wait what Garnier Whole Blends don't make a mint smell? No, sadly not. The original brand menthol shampoo and 2 and 1 have been discontinued but somehow HEB is still selling that stuff. So I find that very strange for a company not to at least have a mint smell. However there is a new line coming up called Pure Clean Reset but I read on a comment somewhere that someone asked if that new line is color safe and the company replied that the new line up isn't color safe. Which makes sense in a way. I mean the line up is called ''reset'' after all LMAO. However I find that strange by the Whole Blends there isn't a mint smell. Odd.   https://www.garnierusa.com/about-our-brands/whole-blends/honey-treasures-repairing/repairing-shampoo-honey-treasures   My second favorite is Renpure. I can say  these products are my go to because this makes my hair super shiny and when I want a lemony and tea tree oil scent mood this is my go to and you get a tad bit earthy smell from the sage but not overpowering! Renpure has never let me down and my hair loves this stuff. Doesn't dry out my hair. Non greasy. My hair is happy with this. Any cons from reviews? Well the Tea Tree oil and Lemon Balm with Sage I can say this much. I only found one negative review that said this made a person's hair fall out.  But I didn't see any other claims about other people's hair falling out or anything like that and the company states that that is their best seller and from the Walmart reviews I read as well seems like she is the only one that had that problem. Probably she had a bad reaction. I had my hair fall out when I used a Tresemme botanical conditioner and idk what happened but my hair just clumped up in knots and those knots came out in a few balls. So I don't know you to be the judge. I used this Tea Tree oil  and Lemon Balm for over two months at Walmart and my hair hasn't fallen out. Also just to let you know Suave has been getting a lot of comments about making people's hair fall out lately. If you're balding and using Suave that's probably why. But back on Renpure. You get a good buy from the bottle being 32 oz and for $7.98 however this is the original formula and only Walmart sells the original formula. Every other store is selling their new formulation and stuff and I don't want to find out because their new formula stuff is the same price as the 32 oz but you only get 16 oz instead the only reason why I don't go back  to the tea tree oil often is because the PUMP is annoying! But back to the 16 oz topic. With that said no thanks I will pass. Anyways back to topic. I never had my hair fall out once. I feel no balding. So idk you can say I'm whacko for taking a chance like that but there was only 1 review that claimed that. If there were about 10-30 reviews that made a hair fall claim I wouldn't EVEN TOUCH that product. But there was only 1 review of that! So why would I be scared of just 1 review?! Also there are some reviews about the pump being hard to twist. This I can agree on. If you've no idea what the f*** you're doing you can spend about 5 minutes trying to get the pump to pop open. But I will say on some of my shampoos that I list in the bulletin points some claim that the person had greasy hair or hair being dry. Let me say one thing NOT every product will work for you even though reviewers say this is a hit item! Just like this blog states yet again. I make ZERO CLAIMS this will work for your hair or you will not have any reactions to this shampoo and conditioner because you could and I will not force anyone to buy this product! Also if you shampoo your hair everyday you're doing more harm to your hair than good. You're damaging your hair strands and I was told by my old hair dresser that washing your hair everyday is very damaging. Depending on how much oil your hair produces you should wash your hair every other day if your hair is very oily. Every two days if lightly/mildly oily or like me every three days as my hair is barely oily. Any other products that are good by the originals? Biotin and Collagen. Now I make no claims this will make your hair thicker. As I know I was told by a few people that tried Biotin Shampoo and conditioner gummies and told me that none of that helped my balding. I get that and I understand yet for the 5th million time I never said ''oh yeah this will fix your balding problem.'' But back on the subject. This smells like light blueberries at least to me at least. This cost the same for the 32 oz of the other smell. However if the pump annoys you just rinse the other pump out thoroughly and just use that pump for the Biton one. This is the first Biotin conditioner that I found that gave me SOME volume after using this for over a few weeks. People really expect a miracle to happen overnight with volume shampoo and conditioner or repair shampoo and conditioner LMAO. This is off topic but that is like for supplements. Oh I only took this supplement for only a week and SLIGHTLY SEE RESULTS LMAO. Some brands I've tried made my hair WORSE. Such as the OGX one. After a week of using the OGX even though the smell was better than Renpure my hair was weighed down and speaking OGX. Stay away from their tea tree oil shampoo! This stuff has stripped every last drop of moisture from my hair! This took a heavy moisturizer that is a deep conditioner to get the moisture back into my hair and I let that sit in my hair for 30 minutes. I don't know what happened either because their biotin shampoo and keratin is very good shampoo! So I don't know why I had a bad reaction with the tea tree oil D: the reason why I've not used OGX in awhile is because I'm on a mint kick right now! But back on subject with the Renpure. I notice SLIGHT VOLUME enough to where my hair does have some plump to my hair LMAO sounds suggestive I know LOL. My hair is ultra shiny and like I said about the last scent. My hair is happy with this stuff and my hair isn't dry as a desert and my hair. But yes a lot of people say genes are the reason why my hair is in bad shape. Yes that's ONLY HALF OF THE REASON. Why? Because I've changed hair products I used Herbal Essence as a teen giving zero f***s until my hair started to feel like hay and straw a few months later and I think I used Body Envy back when I was a teen. I changed my shampoo and conditioner. What happened?  Within 4 weeks of switching to Garnier (I think I used the plush shampoo and conditioner set or the sleek and shine set) this is their normal line by the way and I also can't recall if Whole Blends was around when I was a teen but anyways back on my hair. My hair went back to normal. Just like body wash if your skin is severely dry where you need lotion after shower then I suggest you go get another body wash. Because that means your body wash is drying your skin out. Not rocket science. Oh! I did use the color care line by Garnier but as I gotten older I no longer like the smell. A lot of the old products I used I don't like the smell anymore. Another thing is I'm trying the Kroger Argan Oil and see if that is any good because there is tons of essential oils in here after that I'm 100 percent going back to Renpure then when the bottle empties maybe I should visit OGX again. But that depends with the recent price spike if this will be $7-8 a bottle if that's the case then I will be sticking with Renpure. Anyways I did try out the Kroger shampoo Argan oil and I hate to say this but a very hard pass. I will finish the bottle but won't buy. This has 0 smell to this at all even though there is stuff like lemon oil and ginger extract and more oils than that. Also I've to use tons for my hair this sh*t barely lathers at all. I think what this bottle is  just oil gel and that's why the suds are so poor. This is very liquid and gel. So I probably will not purchase as I will be using this bottle up really quickly. However my hair did feel very clean and shiny. Just way to gel and liquid for me.    Body wash what do I use and some people asked me because they ask if I take care of my skin because my skin looks so bad on my face.   I just use Dove men plant based body wash or I use Olay Shea Butter or Nivea and that's the only brand that doesn't break me out. Most of the women's versions I've found really stink. If you want to know which one that was then ask because that is a very funny story haha and I've not tried Aveeno which is shocking. Maybe I should and that's probably the only new one I will try but I've used the off brand and that works wonders but I just don't want to smell like an oat every single darn day. Because I really hate experimenting with body wash because either A I get all over red irritation. Btw I don't get hives or bumps, I just get red irritation that takes a few hours to go away. However, those brands above don't cause me any irritation. I love to try Renpure but the thing is what if I've a reaction with that stuff? I know their shampoo and conditioner works great on me but that doesn't mean their body wash will and Hask came out with a body wash but ince their hair products are now drying out my hair really bad I'm not trying that out and some are really oily. However, just think of things like this. I'm done experimenting tons shampoo and conditioner. I found what works for me and I'm not going to be trying many different things and wasting money like I did many moons ago trying to figure out what works for my hair and what brands don't etc. I will probably try Aveeno Coconut Scent and that's all once I get a coupon. Also the St. Ives body wash makes no sense. Why the living f*** does every god damn bath product you sell have to have walnut powder or shells in them? Also people are free to inbox me what their thoughts are about walnut powder or shells feel free to add me or inbox me. Or Apricot Scrub not by the St. Ives brand but other brands that are a dupe of St. Ives.   Hair Brush:   I don't know if I like Conair the most or Goodie. Love the Conair velvet series. I really love the Goodie bright boost series. Have I used Dollar Tree brushes before? Yes and honestly there is no problem with them. I never tried a boar's bristle brush. But thoughts? I never got one because sometimes the wind goes 18 and 21 miles an hour sometimes and causes knots in my hair so I don't know how a boar bristle will work for something like that. But I highly recommend Dollar Tree brushes. Works the same for the $3-5 brushes. Dollar Tree also sells many types of brushes as well. Also I use Dollar Tree pillowcases or an old shirt to wrap my hair in the shower. I will never use heat tools. Why should I when my hair is naturally straight? LOL. My sister has wavy hair however. Also why don't I use Garnier hair dye? Well without a coupon this hair dye is almost $7 a box. Revlon ColorSilk is under $3 a box. Plus I dye my hair every 1 month and 10 days. Well even the box says redye your hair every 6-7 weeks. I don't know how people say their hair color lasts for two or three months because mine don't. Maybe black is just A$$ because black around the 7 week mark your hair looks faded black or brownish black. But I do take supplements so my hair growth could be the cause of the hair dye not lasting long. But I don't see the problem with using a under $3 box of hair dye when that is ammonia free. So take what you will. I also cut my hair  1 per year. Sometimes just 2 or 3 inches cut off and starting in November sometime in a few weeks I will get 2 inches cut off and get my ends layered and the back of my hair layered. I only trust two people to cut my hair. After my old hairdresser moved into a different state. and my son needed a hair trimming. I sat and observed everyone's cutting style and finished results and selected my two chosen people to cut my hair.   Skin care:   I'm still trying to figure out my bad skin :/ so far the only thing has been working that I've been trying this year in 2022 is constant use of that grapefruit scrub and sensitive sunscreen or whatever that hypo stuff is called that won't bother allergies. Apparently with many Google articles I learned something about sunscreen. That there is something in there is very good for acne and not using sunscreen often makes acne worse and this has been helping out way more than the moisturizer I'm using and what I mean by that is the acne has reduced in size within a few days of using sunscreen my zits have downsized. I been using HEB brand but have not tried Kroger. I can't try Walmart brand because they've zero off brand that is that hypo stuff that won't cause flare up allergies or says none greasy as well and with that said Walmart is out of the option. Before going to bed/in the furs I'm going to try off brand of morning burst by Clear and Clear If that doesn't work I will find a gentle cleanser I can wash my face before going to bed that's non drying. Because knowing my luck I will use this and this will work fine then after a week or two more of use I will start getting zits like one cleanser I used. If this fails plus the cleanser. I'm going to try an offbrand ofa lemon scrub. There is products that micmic Saint. Ives without the Walnut for the lemon scrub. However if that fails to I'm just sticking with grapfruit scrub evening and night before bed. I got acne like mildly on my shoulder and some on my chest and I get about 4-5 zits in different spots of my face. I know I should try acne body wash but that stuff really does stink and I don't want to be smelling like a grapefruit so that's probably more of my own problem that I don't want to try something like that because I already use that for my face and I've not tried charcoal face wash maybe I should and I know I must get products that say oil free I get that! But still my face is like F*** YOU. Because in the end that stuff could possibly help my acne problem. But oh well on that part as well I don't want to use acne body wash because of the smell and I know my skin isn't happy with me drinking 1 16 oz water bottle a day and a cup of sparkling water. The rest? All I drink is Gatorade and unsweet tea decaf in a bottle and sometimes I will make myself some bagged tea. The sad part is? Years ago many moons ago I would drink a few glasses of water a day. I don't know what happened. I just stopped drinking lots and lots and lots of water like a camel. Maybe I lost motivation. Or I just don't mentally think about that anymore. I've been waiting to get a Brita filter but the price of one makes me think of saying no thanks. I should maybe ask for one for Mother's day. I even tried to have different flavored Nestle water bottles in there. I just forgot that those were in the fridge. But that's just life. You don't take care of yourself by your eating and drinking habits. Well that will show on your outer skin. However I just got to keep myself in mind that there are people out there that have 10 times worse skin out there than me. Plus it's not like I'm trying over here. I could not wash my face with stinky grapefruit oil. I could not coat my face in Witch Hazel on my face and behind my ears and neck before bed. I could just be like. Nah I'm not doing sh*t. But the thing is. I'm trying and my skin is just problematic and the things I do for my skin just doesn't make things worse. My skin is probably going to need something I'll never be able to afford. Also I'm starting to remember to moisturize my face everyday. YES I KNOW THIS IS VERY BAD FOR MY SKIN that I don't moisturize my face everyday. Yes I know that furthers the damage of the skin! Same with sunscreen but I'm getting better at remembering! But I will say the grapefruit oil scrub does help keep the acne from spreading or getting more acne or zits forming. Just like the body wash, the body wash doesn't cause my shoulder acne to spread or make things much worse. Hence why I won't be trying several brands to see if there is that holy grail. Also I don't know how people drink 3-6 cans of soda a day and just 1 water bottle before bed. Like how? I'm just going to leave that topic alone. I just hope the goat milk and moisturizer help and I'm also looking into green tea and honey beauty products. So I know I made a blog ages ago that talks about Collagen. Yes this stuff took over 2 months for full results but at least I don't have baggy eyes that are wrapped around my face anymore but I guess I'm glad I started taking collagen according to this company that I'm buying from claims by the age of 25 and each year as you age you lose 1.5 percent of collagen each year. However in theory I'm sure people depending on genes and DNA structure can rapidly lose collagen faster than that. I noticed my ankles are less stiff and I can flex them down and move them around without pain and I noticed my joints where the side of the knee is lessened with stiffness. So I said the product works for me. However I didn't see full results until I used the whole bottle. Do any of the women in your family have skin problems? Yes, a few of my family members have Rosacea but a mild/medium case of Rosacea. Nothing too severe. I don't know about my sis but I do know my aunts do zero for the face besides washing their face with water. I don't think my aunts use any kind of cream or lotion on their face as far as I'm aware. I'm the only one in the family that takes Collagen and I know that much for a fact. There is a point in life where you can't take sh*t anymore and you want to do something about the problem. I'm asking for MILD relief. Not a CURE. I'm also not going to debate or talk about well you're taking a ''drug'' this is a ''drug'' you're taking. Your opinion won't change my mind. These aren't pharmacy drugs. I'm not getting them signed off by a doctor. I'm also not taking something that has serious side effects. You think I would pick out a herb or a spice or collagen if I had life altering side effects? That is lethal and deadly? No. Common sense. You will not stop me from taking these supplements because you think I'm''druggie'' also that brings m me to another stance. These aren't non addictive and Valerian tea or caps isn't. I just noticed when I stopped taking my collagen and my immunity supplements when I forgot them at my sister's when I stayed for a week at her place and my pain came back and I had really bad allergies. So you see? I take them because of my joint pain and my allergy problems. When the ragweed is really high that's when I feel like A$$. Also I notice if I don't take Valerian Root tea or supplement form I'm up till 8-10 A.M. So you see again? I need them for ''RELIEF'' not because I'm a pill addict and this is the only way I can take pills if you catch my drift. I plan on taking one because I think the daily content is way to high for my weight. But if I don't notice any results within 4-6 weeks I will up the dose by two. But I know three is way to much of an overkill with the daily intake for my weight. But starting in 2022 I'm drinking a 12 oz can of flavored  seltzer water before bed. When I wake up I will have a 16 oz bottle of flavored water. I will not keep drinking just half a cup of water a day. Anyways another thing I'm doing is taking capsule grounded up blue algae to hope within a few weeks that will detox my vessel's insides and show healthy happy skin. But like any supplement you need 4-6 weeks to see results. Many people expect to see results like I said within  one  week of taking a supplement. Here is an example of what I'm talking about. Almost all grocery stores will have a off brand of the name brand stuff.  Oh I don't know if I stated this in my blogs or not but if my boyfriend or best friend can't match their shampoo because of hair type then let's match body wash then!   Anyways back on subject this is what I'm talking about. Yes I know what country Spring Valley is from and almost all vitamins are made in China/Spain unless you want to buy high dollar U.S.A. vitamins. I've never been sick or had an reaction to these products. By the way the name brand of what Spring Valley is trying to copy of this product is $11 dollars and something. No thanks. That's way over my budget.   https://www.walmart.com/ip/Spring-Valley-Extra-Strength-Biotin-Hair-Skin-Nails-Dietary-Supplement-5-000-mcg-120-count/49929247?athbdg=L1600   Some other things are trying for an array of benefits. Stinging Nettle. Cinnamon Bark. Holy Basil. Want to know their benefits? I normally look for a website like this in Google Search. So far I'm replacing Stinging Nettle with something else maybe Calcium maybe or some kind of other detox or muscle structure supplement. The is really no reason why I should keep ordering Stinging Nettle online if I'm getting the same results with other detox suppliments.      https://www.healthline.com/health/food-nutrition/basil-benefits#body-benefits   But since we're on a health topic right now here is my two week diet then I go get more groceries etc. I  eat 3 times a day at odd hours and since I'm wide awake at midnight I normally eat my last third meal at night however it's impossible for me to sleep at midnight that's when I'm the most wide-awake LOL. I also eat snacks between. I normally consume protein shakes or nutritional drinks and I also have chocolate milk and put the carnation milk powder in chocolate with all the minerals and vitamins in there as well with 13 grams of protein if mixed with milk or cold water and these are hard to find at Kroger being sold out of these all the time but I really like the protein yogurt smoothie drinks. However that 13 gram of protein chocolate power mix is out the next thing the store has is a 8 gram of protein chocolate powder with 12 vitamins and minerals. I also do the same for regular milk but with strawberry powder. Hormel dinners. Stouffer's frozen dinners or $1 frozen burritos but I don't crave those often. Chicken sandwich patties frozen or BQQ frozen dinners or individual pizza frozen and sometimes I will have frozen chicken strips or poppers or orange chicken. Mac and cheese and I eat ramen noodles but I barely use in any of the seasoning pack and I drain the water and I add cheese and melt in microwave and sometimes I put a egg on top. Pork and beans. Chili. I only eat my sandwiches with light mayo and honey roasted turkey breast or salami and different kind of cheeses and every once in awhile I'll get honey ham or roast beef. Also tortilla with cheese and meatless patty or any kind of patty mashed up after cooked in a microwave and sometimes I add rice. I only eat burritos with rice or cheese and chicken or bean and cheese or beef and cheese no sauce  Lean Cuisine frozen dinners are really disgusting well their pasta at least lol. Why does that brand taste so bad? Lol. Also for my ramen noodles if I eat ramen noodles at 3 something or 4 am something I normally just eat that by themselves and a few nuts. I just don't want to over stuff myself before sleep haha. If I eat this around 11 pm I will have ramen with a granola bar or a snack item then a piece of bread.Snacks are peanut butter crackers. Cheese slices. Cheese slice wrapped around salami and French onion dip and crackers. Bread rolls n butter. Or a granola nut bar. Cheese pizza Lunchables or turkey Lunchables. With the crackers I use the French onion dip sometimes I heat up a bread roll. Also honey roasted sea salt nuts or and sometimes trail mix without raisins just yuck!For example, if I choose a corn dog, I will pair that with mac and cheese and a piece of bread and butter.Another example. I try my hardest to make sure all my meals that I've at least consume  18-25 grams of protein with each of my main meals paired with my snack items.Another one would be. Protein or nutrition shake and then I'll will pair it with any one of my snacks whatever I'm craving with etc so Protein shake a slice of bread and butter and nuts. But normally my main frozen food or any food that isn't on my snack list I will always pair it with something that's on my snack list either one or two items depending on the protein percentage but like I said I'm very alert with catapulting how many proteins I'm getting with each meal.So really this is all I eat normally just depends on what I'm in the mood for. Also yes I've eaten stuff with 30-50 grams of fat and I've not gained weight and saturated fat. From my teens till 28 years old that's how long things took for me to have over 10 or 13 pounds of new weight gain. I noticed a decline in hunger level when I was 26 years old. However I feel full longer but I still am able to burn fat quickly. I also never had to diet as well.   Anything else?   I really hate going back and forth updating my blogs by the way so feel free to ask? I mean all things need to come to an end and so shall my blogs. You're free to ask for any updates. Because after all my blogs are just letting you know what's going on NOW and what I'm INTO. I don't think I should keep updating my blogs every little detail that changes but feel free to ask me! I'm also thinking about no longer writing spiritual blogs. Why? Nobody really cares or understands them. So I think I'm done. I believe in my own perspective people only care about the video game blogs the most and my personal life that goes on. Which is fine I get that. Just like what I think of Joe Biden. I said what I had to say. I'm not going to say anything more about him on Instagram or about the virus. I said my peace and I will not keep harping on that. I think as well I'll stop making poetic sentences by myself every month on IG. I think nobody cares and people unfollow me for doing that. So I think I will just start posing every 3 months. Instead of every month and same goes for Animal Crossing which reminds me. I posted ACNH post one time and lost 10 followers in one sitting LOL get a grip peeps. However I should just have a mindset that if you don't like what I post down the road then why follow me in the first place when you see my content? Oh well.   Anything else?   Still as of December of 4th 2021 and the other months before that I will say this and also my dad will never buy me dental insurance still till this day he refuses. My caseworker Erika says the reason why my dad says no for dental is he wants to know if I can afford that on my own. My dad has also stated in the past he doesn't know what will happen to me if he were to die the next day. Also for people that read my family blogs my dad still will not take me to concerts or events or arcade games. He says no and I must pay for them with my aunt's cleaning money. He also still will not let me call on the phone or anything. Everything will be a NO until I move out. That is written in stone peeps! Also I will look into Red Clover like I said in my other blogs. However I will be looking into Chamomile strength to see how good that is for anxiety. However I don't feel like updating my blog every single time I change my supplements or beauty care or shower care. Just know I'm on the hunt. I might find something after Stinging Nettle I kind of feel like there is something stronger than that for cleansing. Well I ever stop editing my blogs? Yes I'm getting to the point where I no longer want to add anything to my blog section and never change my blogs again. Why? I'm tired and burnt out for number one and two. Nothing really is going to change in my life like the trivia facts and my video games and my favorite colors and those blogs that were about ''ME'' and you might be wondering what about making new spiritual writings? Nah I don't think nobody cares anymore. I might change my mind to post a spiritual short writing on Instagram maybe every few months. I know on a blog I said I might stop doing that but I shouldn't ''dumb myself down just because people don't give a $hit .''  Also I don't think I could make another blog. Why? I've nothing else to talk about LOL. So if you see me  in a year or two or three with no new blogs or updates then I'm still alive. Just I got nothing to say.

Beelzebub

01/05/2022 06:43 PM 

What I'm doing for a stable life part 2.
Current mood:  adventurous

For the readers in my blog. You will be reading about my dad in my previous personal blogs about how he has zero to do with my personal life anymore, because of what happened with my mom. Basically what that means is my friends or boyfriend will not be talked about or seen with my dad there will be no interaction with my dad or 0 in the family members. But this wouldn't matter about the other family members why? One ex is an ex aunt, she is officially done with me after what happened Dec 2 and if you're curious about this statement ask and I will share you my blogs as I've posted what happened, One aunt is moving away in a few years to another state in Texas or perhaps another state in general after her husband retires, I don't know the reason why she wants to move to another state or another state in Texas. Maybe to have a retired life alone with her husband and not have to do errands for everyone in the family and her friends? Maybe she wants peace? One aunt simply does nothing with me and what I mean by that and same with my aunt above. No text for lunch or dinner. No text to go shopping. No text to anything. One blog I state this and these there aunts don't do anything with my son like take us out anywhere. For an example. Arcade room or go to the movies and she wants to be by her husband's side at all times. Which I can kind of understand somewhat. Why? Her husband is a stroke survivor; he has needles in his heart and the recent news about the only uncle I know is that his heart isn't pumping enough blood. Which I can see why aunt doesn't want to leave his side. Basically if friends or a boyfriend want a family lifestyle, then nope I don't have that, why not my sister? I only see my sister for her husband's birthday and my birthday. Her birthday and my son and for Christmas that's it. However, that's how my sister likes me to visit and that's her house rules and not mine. Basically my friend and boyfriend will have 0 interaction with a family lifestyle. I've a family that lives separate lives. They're not interested in celebrating Christmas either, my ex aunt and my other two aunts. All three of my aunts says I'm too old for Christmas and too old for Birthday. My ex aunt had the nerve to ask me when will you stop having birthday parties out somewhere? Well I wanted to tell that tea bag that when my son gets older he will be having a birthday party regardless. My aunts think once you reach 18 you don't deserve gifts or cookie cake or a cake. Yei I know talk about utter madness and good luck to me for friends or a boyfriend that wants to be in a lifestyle like that. I also can't tell you why my aunts act like that. Maybe that's how they were raised? Basically my life is tyrannical.  Basically my whole life is. You're too old. We want to live our separate lives. Heck not only that but my aunts don't even host parties or ask to visit their brother. Who wants to deal with that? I just got a family that doesn't like to do things. I'm not sure honestly. I would be really shocked if anyone is down to living a lifestyle like that.  I can't move out of Texas because of my son. Somewhere on a blog I made that statement somewhere. However, that means my boyfriend would've to buy an apartment in the exact town I live in. Who would make such a sacrifice? Is beyond me. On top of that I might have to wait 3 years total to get my low income apartment. No guy is going to sit around and wait for that.I can't afford a Taxi or an Uber driver. My boyfriend also will be helping pay for my spice and herb supplements. As I suffer from very bad inflammation pain on my ankles and side of my knee joints. I also suffer from sleep problems. As of October sometime in 2021 my dad said he will no longer pay for them. He basically told me that if I don't have money from the $40 I'm given every two weeks then he doesn't know what to say and it's too bad. Get this he called a $7 tub of moisturizer that is 16 oz expensive and he doesn't have money for that. He says he will take me to Dollar Tree to buy some face moisturizer because $7 for a 16 oz tub is expensive. I told him that the stores don't sell any smaller tub than that for 16 oz and also there are companies that sell moisturizer for $15-22 for a 3 oz. yeah okay. I also got hinted that I most likely will have to start buying my body wash at Dollar Tree or I can no longer spend $5 on body wash as I told him my body wash I use is $7. Perhaps this is punishment because my ex aunt did text my dad the day the cops almost called on her that she will no longer give me $40 every two weeks and that her picking me up is over and my dad said he is going to give me a long list of chores to do if I want my $40 every two weeks. I don't understand why me and my dad can't do half of everything.  So you're implying your dad won't care for your health needs? Yes, my dad has implied to me several occasions that if I don't have money for something then either A oh well or B I don't know what to tell you and that is the same for dentist, No money for dental insurance or if you get a job and no dentist insurance? Well too bad for you. My dad's reason for this statement is that he told me he isn't going to be around forever and neither are my remaining aunts and that I need to learn how to take care of myself and if I don't have money for that certain product, like I said guys it's either A too bad or B I don't know what to say. So that might bring you up to another question that you might have or will ask. So that means your dad won't buy your clothes or shoes or anything like that? He does, but that has to be if my shoes or sandals or clothes have completely fallen apart or other clothing items I heed. My dad doesn't sit there and buy me new shoes or sandals or clothes just ''because he feels like it'' anyways have I been blocked because of my dad's behavior? Yes several times in fact and I also get blocked and ghosted along the road because my friends and someone that was in love with me decided he will no longer talk to me he has ghosted me for a few days and I think why he probably ghosted me is we used to split the cost between my supplements and he would order them online then suddenly when I told him how my dad has been treating me he somehow ghosted me I've not seen a text within a few days starting this month and even sent him an email with no response. Which is totally understandable. He isn't the only one that has ghosted me because my dad hasn't changed into being nice and caring for me. Because by that point people are thinking I'm leeching for my friends or my boyfriend to pay for my supplements that I take which is not true. He was okay with helping me pay for some of my supplements online by P.O. box then as my dad started being more of an a**hole with me and his ''money'' that's when I got ghosted maybe he thought I was lying about my dad or being unrealistic about my dad's behavior that or he thought my dad would have a change of heart and he could start splitting the cost of my supplements. What I should do when I go grocery shopping for two weeks is just buy one that is under $6 and hide it in my purse or whatever. Quite sad huh? Does my 40 two week dollars go to all towards myself? No hardly I saved up $400 and August and I only spent $100 on myself because why? My dad wanted me to pay for my son's school clothes this year for some odd bizarre reason he wouldn't help me pay for anything. My ex aunt had to split school supplies and me and my ex aunt had to split school clothes. I'm not kidding, my dad said for my son's birthday you will be paying for everything this year and I will only pay for the balloons and his birthday destination. I also had to treat my ex aunt out to eat because she expects me to pay her back every 4 weeks for all the lunch she has bought me because my dad never gave her any lunch money or gas money to take me. I think that is pretty sad if a friend messages me and says do you need anything mailed to you? Can I get you anything? To me that's downright embarrassing. Also I'm not blaming my son for  using almost all my money on him. THE PROBLEM IS. MY DAD SHOULD'VE HELPED PAY FOR SOMETHING, INSTEAD HE IS LIKE NO MY SISTER CAN PAY FOR EVERYTHING and you know what? My dad gave my ex aunt and his sister ZERO dollars in gas as well for taking me every two weeks and I'm not joking or making this crap up he did he gave her ZERO. My ex aunt pissed me off because she wouldn't let me buy stuff from Dollar Tree. EVERYTHING HAD TO BE THE NAME BRAND. She was like the school teachers HAVE TO HAVE THE NAME BRAND! NOTHING CAN'T BE OFF BRAND! STFU IS what I wanted to say. I'm sure the school teachers don't give a crap. Then in November sometime my dad goes what happened to all of your $400?! I don't know what happened to all your money! You spent almost all your money from August - November of 2021 what happened? I tried to explain to him then he proceeds to scream at me and tells me I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENED  TO YOUR MONEY AT LEAST I DIDN'T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT AND THAT DIDN'T COME OUT OF MY BANK ACCOUNT. LIKE WTF? WHAT DAD SAYS THAT?! But yeah I probably only spend $10-15 on myself per month and I only get $80 every month so I try to put $40 in my video game case that I don't pay often to save up. Hence why my dad probably wants me to pay for everything because he knows I got money saved up.Last few things. I've asked my friends in the past that now I don't keep in contact any longer if we could match body wash or shampoo and conditioner. Some found it very bizarre and some found it cute. I kind of don't understand this part though. I mean I'm sure that would be bizarre if I asked if we could match laundry supplies. Because let's face the facts that would just be plain weird. Any final thoughts?: My dad said he is ready to be by himself. I understand this as I have two more years before I'm 30. The only other thing I don't understand is my dad said he is done? He just can't anymore? What does this mean? Does this mean he is done with me as a person? Or what? Honestly I don't know anymore. Who could deal with this lifestyle etc. I kind of have given up hope. I've had people in the past who could only take so much of my dad's s**t before I get blocked/ignored. I can't tell you the countless friends and possible dates because of my dad. Honestly I'm done. I'm done mentally and all factors of my ''vessel'' everything in my whole entire almost 29 year life span as I got till March till my next birthday has been denial, money, despair, getting denied help, getting denied an education, family crisis, trauma and all that jazz.  But the thing is. I don't think there is a guy that can look past my family and how they don't really like to do things, or really be in a group, or stuff like that and my family has always been separate and really don't do anything. I don't think there is a guy that can look past my family issues and just see me for who I'm and not because I live with someone so toxic. I don't think I can find a man that can look past my acne and yes I'm aware there are people out there with worse acne out there like gigantic cysts all over the place. I wish guys would understand I'm not a leech. I wish guys would understand that he doesn't have to be spiritual. Just spiritual understanding if that makes sense? Just accept me for my spirituality and who I'm. Just for once in my life just look surpass my family life and look at ''ME'' for ''ME'' and most importantly emotional and communication is key. But then again I've ZERO hope anyways. But perhaps ''I'' might be too late. But it's my fault for posting and updating those old personal blogs. But I felt like I could no longer keep that information hidden anymore.

Beelzebub

01/05/2022 06:30 PM 

What I'm doing for a stable life part 1.
Current mood:  adventurous

Update as of Nov 3 2021 and December 4th of 2021. I will no longer update this blog and also I wanted to say to the peeps that knew me on here and people that I get my blog to is this statement piece right here. I wasted a whole year and here is why. Also, I'm letting out a dark part of my life until I feel comfortable expressing this in a diary. Also I would like for my readers that clicked on this link not to bring up or ask any follow ups or questions. Why? One none of your business as this is as much personal information I'm willing to give out to the readers on this link right now. Also what happened, happened. Like my last blog title states, the timeline can't be changed. So why try bringing up a solution or bring up more questions when something happened so many years ago? I see no point. I just ask you guys too respect my boundaries, thanks:   So I'm not sure if I told you guys about my last blog and that has to be the reason why I had to apply for these Gov funding for Tri  County /Workforce. Anyways this was because I need medical record proof if I qualify for any of the services from Tri County and Workforce etc because Workforce works with those with special needs and Autism. If I got denied that would mean no assistant help or a caseworker etc. This is pretty lengthy. Also the IQ score I was given isn't a judgment score that is based on because I can't do high school Math and my English comprehension is only up to 8th grade standards. I know that it is unfair to give someone a poor IQ due to poor education and I don't let that dampen my attitude. Yes I understand that the reader on this blog right now thinks that's unfair and unjust and I also know that an IQ of 79 doesn't make me feel less of myself for people that want to tell me that I shouldn't beat myself up because of my IQ score. So the reason why I shortened this was because I made three paragraphs explaining what Workforce is and by chatting with people I found out one thing. There are several of you here that know what that is + some have a similar thing just called different in your country. So anyways I made a pointless thing about three paragraphs about Workforce as I thought not many knew what that meant. So with that said I will explain this in a shorter term for Tri County. Tri County is a behavior and mental health center. This isn't a mental ward. This place helps people with behavioral problems such as medication, counseling, therapy, psychological exams and SSI workers and Workforce. However I will explain that when I go back in 2020 for a psychological exam to see if I approved help for SSI and gather a caseworker there to help me appeal SSI. I had no awareness after I left in 2017 due to a very rude worker there that Tri County helps with SSI services and also helps with Workforce etc. So basically from 2017 through 2020 I was left clueless that Tri County offered those services. But somewhere in the early start of 2020 I went back to Tri County which I don't remember for what reason why I went back to Tri County and there I saw a pamphlet on a table somewhere in the building and in the pamphlet the company can help with SSI for something and I saw a pamphlet there. Anyways I want to make an update for people after reading my Tri County psychological exam. I guess SSI saw something different in me and I got denied as of September 26th. So now I've to appeal my case again but lucky I got my Tri County caseworker that can help me appeal my case. Just the lady at Tri County that works with SSI has to get my paper in the mail first before she can appeal my case. I can't tell you how long this will take. I can tell you from what I was told by a few people working from Tri County that most clients by the second or third time will get approved. So that's where I'm in life right now. Any updates on Workforce? Get ready for this response. Also this really is a prime example of how to piss me off. My caseworker from Workforce really had to ask the difference between a small building and a big building of what made a difference for me LOL and she knows my mental health as she was given the papers to read them. So you can't put two and two together? No? Okay cool story. She had the nerve to ask my dad. ''Well if your daughter can't find a online job with us then why can she work at Petco and PetSmart or a pet supply store or a animal shelter instead of Walmart or Target or Krogers?.'' My dad had to legit tell her that smaller work spaces make me feel less anxious and nervous and all those kinds of things and my dad is like you do understand my daughter has special needs right.''? LIKE?! WHO needs to explain that?! Anyone should know Petco is smaller than Walmart or Target or a Kroger or HEB. Common sense! I'm not talking about getting mad about what you can do academic wise like in school. I'm just get very angry when someone ask the most dumbest f***ing questions on the block!   That's not all folks. My dad asked and said will you call this week or next week? She goes I can't promise you anything when I can call back. I also want to be honest with you as well. So I can't give you a date when I will call you. OKAY JUST WTF? IS WRONG WITH THIS LADY?   If I get denied the help I need at Workforce, my caseworker from Tri County can step in and battle things out. Now I can see why people tell me getting government funding is a living nightmare. This has been a living headache for my dad and myself and more so made me really depressed when my dad told me I got denied. You guys are probably thinking why do you want SSI and a part time job? I thought you couldn't do that? According to what Tri County told me I'm able to do both. However my dad and the rest of my family members refused to help me find a job online from home. Everyone in the family except my sister because she just flat out told me no because let's face the facts my sister is 6 years apart from me. She lives 2 hours and 48 minutes away from me or longer if there is traffic. As a sister which my sister suffers from, M.S. shouldn't be responsible for taking care of me knowing what stress does to her M.S. Also my sister's job isn't to take care of my son either. But back on subject my dad and his sisters told me I can click on anything online and find a job that way haha. Yeah let me click on a random website with my information yeah cool that's totally safe and the correct way to find a job. Not! The only credit I can give my aunts is that one of my aunts who is the organizer of the family is helping me obtain Medicaid because I signed a consent form so she can fill out the application for me and update. I got approved for Medicaid and I've my card. My aunt told me that the paper version card that my dad lost Medicaid no longer does paper but plastic cards now. What will I do if Workforce can't find me a job online? Well I can say one thing: finding a job anywhere is going to be difficult with a diagnosed IQ score of 79. In the first place, needing a chair at my cashier desk shouldn't be an issue. I already did my research and some people need a doctor's note and some don't. Also Lisa also told me which is my caseworker for Workforce by the way she asked me this question. What are you going to do if you can't get your GED? I said over the phone as my diagnosis report was over the phone I said well what if GED doesn't accept a 504 plan and I failed math/had to be bypassed in math and I failed the high school essay test over 4 times what then? She didn't say anything but okay and went onto the next question. Anyways with my high paranoia and my mental disabilities that I've that I would only be okay working in a small work area which she had a hard time understanding until my dad had to explain to her. But she also asked why no grocery stores? I told her and my dad told her as well busy or packed areas are what causes these problems such as paranoia and anxiety and act like a clam for behavior and I would go in my shell and start to panic in my mind. There have been a few stores where I had to take deep breaths as I got outside because I was freaking out, for example Walmart and the self check outs or other areas are packed inside. Oh yeah if you guys are wondering, my dad will not let me get groceries from home. He says that I can do that when I get my own low income apartment and when my aunt can no longer take me which she is no longer doing. If you want to know why then read the blogs where the cops were almost called on her. How often do I go out per week? Only once or twice if my dad/cats in the house need something otherwise I stay in the house till I need my two week groceries. But back on the denial part. I got denied the first time because SSI says due to my mental disabilities and my ankle problems/knee problems are ''limited'' so basically what SSI is saying I can still work with my limited disabilities. However I simply don't believe this at all and it sounds bogus. Sounds like to me SSI was like let me just slap an excuse on my denial paperwork and say she is ''limited'' so I don't know what will happen next when my dad wants Medicaid to give me 100 percent full coverage and I did explain to my dad that Medicaid will probably not cover something 100 percent because I'm an adult now. With that said the next step is to go to different doctors if I get denied the second time because from what my dad is sounding like he doesn't want to do a herring. As well, dad also won't pay for dental neither will my aunts. He says I've to pay for my dental. However my caseworker told me that the reason why my dad won't pay for my dental is he is trying to teach me how to survive on my own. Anyways with that statement being made my dad could've just told me that instead of saying words like he doesn't care about my dental health at all. He could just be a grown adult and tell me this. Well look, the reason why I don't want to pay for your dental insurance is because I want to see how you do on your own or I want you to survive on your own. Because my dad's response is. Oh well I don't know what to tell you or maybe your job will give you insurance. Well in that sense, my dad is in for a huge rude awakening when he finds out Medicaid will not pay for every single little thing but that's not my problem he doesn't want to believe me and not mine. But back on my denial. If SSI says I'm ''limited'' wouldn't that mean me finding a job will be difficult? Yes I'm aware even if I'm ''limited'' a job can't deny me of my disabilities as that is against the law in the first place. On top of that my caseworker told me she has had a few of her clients in the past that have disabilities and work 3 days out of a week which is what I want to do . But I think SSI didn't see me as severely disabled as Tri County did, which is why I probably got denied by SSI in the first place. Anyways back on subject, what is wrong with my foot and ankle? My Pigeon Toed/ Bird Feet/Intoe didn't revert back to normal. I was hatched this way. My parents refused surgery due to a very poor success rate. Dance didn't work with special shoes put on for years and I did take my braces off because I didn't like the bulky feel. For some reason my foot never turned back to normal. My dad needs to wake up and smell the coffee as well. No job is going to hire me saying oh my ankle and my foot hurts and I need to get the pressure off my foot and ankle every 30 minutes and I can't stand for a long period of time. But hold up now you guys are like wait what? Why are you trying to get SSI and work at the same time? I was told from Tri County that I can get SSI and work part time like Monday, Wednesday and Friday if I wanted to. That's what Tri County told me  and that's what my Tri County worker Erika told me as well. So why would the place lie to me? Well SSI did keep what will happen to me if I get denied the second time and the herring part. Yes, I personally believe she should've told me and my dad that while we were going to Tri County to sign up to see if I qualify for help and a caseworker. That's her responsibility and not for me and my dad to Google that. The only job I can think of working is an office job organizing things or printing out papers. Working at the animal shelter cleaning out litter boxes or feeding them or taking care of the animals. Online job with stock fees or organizing. Learning graphic designs for customers. I did tell SSI I can't work as a grocery store cashier or anything. I can't handle the mayhem in the store. However my dad doesn't believe me when I told him my caseworker from Tri County told me. Not the SSI worker there at Tri County told me I can only work so many hours/days when on SSI and my dad is like I'm not believing that! I will call the SSI office myself whenever you get SSI! I walked in my room. I didn't want to deal with the arguing at all. Speaking of SSI, you know what is funny? When I went to my first exam on June 11 the SSI department sent me to a physician not a foot doctor. Which makes no utter sense to me at all. Why I don't understand is the doctor only wanted me to X-ray my ankle and I'm like why are you doing this to me? I said my ankle hurts and my foot and near my joint of my knee hurts he goes no we're doing your ankle only.  My caseworker said that SSI can send you to a foot doctor or ankle doctor but that all depends on what SSI wants to see. Anyways you're probably wondering did I  worsen the condition? Probably so because I've been making myself to walk straight for years and that I had probably put stress on the bone cartilage and made the bone structure weaker. Collagen has helped ''EASED'' now remember the keyword ''EASE'' some of the tissue where I'm not stiff anymore yes I still have slight pain but that's better than having very stiff ankles. I'm soon going to try Red Clover as that is a high potent anti-inflammatory. I also need to start taking calcium tablets or maybe taking purple vegetable capsules. But back on the subject I can't give you an estimate of how long this will take. Hel I hope this will not take till I'm 30 years old and I really hope I don't need a disability lawyer either. Also just like Tri County has told me my caseworker there is not the SSI one but she told me SSI wants you to battle to see how far you will go to get that once a month check that all there is to it. If SSI sees you don't want to struggle and get that once a month check that is one less person off their shoulder. Which makes total sense and she is right. That's all the government cares about is to see how bad you struggle and how bad you want your free benefits and speaking of denial I will share my next experience  here in life which I also got denied because my health issues and if you think what the SSI did to me was unfair and my IQ wasn't fair well just wait till you read this and so you see I wasted a whole year. I got nowhere with disability as my case is being appealed again and Workforce went nowhere. By the tone of voice by Lisa she kind of makes me feel like I'm helpless. She really makes me lock up in defense mode. I didn't like her direct voice approach when I had to do a second over the phone interview so I sort of froze and let my dad talk over for me some. I was beyond f***ing frustrated.  I honestly can't take this anymore. Also another thing that stresses me out as well as I'm sure my aunt that takes me every two weeks will say! I told you so! I told you so! I told you so! Because my aunt told me that one of her friends from many moons ago said that SSI wouldn't help her friend at all even though she had seizures. I don't know if I asked her if she worked with Tri County or gotten a herring done but my aunt told me that the SSI building told her that she can go work inside a ticket booth and work there. I don't know if that was an intimidation method or not and on December 2 of 2021 she brought this up yet again. If you want to know what happened you can read where the cops almost called on her. But my dad has told my aunt before to leave me alone about this because I got tired of her saying things like this. This was something that happened two years ago and why did she bring this up now? Maybe so she can ruin my holiday because she knows and doesn't care that I like to celebrate Christmas and she thinks I'm too old for Birthday and Christmas celebrations. I'm so sick and tired of this all my life I've been denied or refused help. Tri County isn't going to help you. SSI isn't going to help you. This is a waste of time and you should get a job sacking groceries. I think so. One of my aunt's friends told me that her friend didn't get SSI until 3 years later and that she had to go see different people and get more new medical papers and by the third time she got approved and my ex shopping aunt is anti against this and has hinted several times without saying the words that this is all worthless because of her past life experience with her ex drug head friend Cindy. So really the only one being supportive in this is surprisingly my dad which is a shocker. I also think what is also making SSI 10 times harder for me to get is because I'm about to be 29 years old next year in March and I've never worked in my 29 years in life. So I've no proof and evidence that I can't work Monday through Friday full time and live in a regular apartment without living in a low income one. Speaking of a low income apartment I can't qualify for any housing until I've some kind of income showing that I can't afford a house or a regular apartment rent etc.   I also got some bombshell news. I was told that if I got denied the second time by disability I would've to start all over again with brand new medical paperwork or go in front of a herring. WTF! Nobody in the disability circle or my two case workers never told me this! Unless my two caseworker doesn't know about this! I got told by the lady that works with SSI and is in the Tri County building that this would happen and my dad was shocked when he told me the news after he got off the phone with her! WTF MAN! But the SSI lady that's in the Tri County office couldn't even tell me this the very first time I started to sign up for help? WTF? Shady and f***ed up. A lot of people requested that I moved to another state. Lol you do understand guys with split custody that is illegal to do right? Also who will take care of me? Who would provide a roof? Who would take care of my needs? Just whatever you guys do, that is reading my profile, I've one thing to ask of you. Don't ask me just to pack my bags. Let's be realistic here. I love how people really do think out there that you can up and leave because SSI is a total a**hole in a certain state. I don't have this often told to me but I've before in the past quite a few times but nothing recently.   So in the past on various websites a lot of people have thought this was bogus because of how long things took for me to find out I got denied the first time in September of 2021. Let me tell you something. The government isn't going to treat me as someone high, mighty and someone special. They're not going to give me a $750 check instantly because I've a ''sad history in school and a tragic story about my mom.'' I'm sure the SSI office has tons of case files and clients going through. If you think realistically there is no way you can get SSI in a year. My dad thought this and I could but he was wrong but he didn't want to believe my caseworker.   So let me make this clear.    Process date.   I applied in June or July in 2020. I thought I talked about this in a blog? Like my old one? After this I'm not updating this blog ever again. I had enough explaining about myself hoping people would understand and this frustration isn't targeted against nobody. I'm just tired of explaining myself. You're free to ask for updates though idc. But before I start some people have asked if this is unfair in my wolf eyes. Yes, the government is unfair in their methods. But is there anything you can do about the situation or unfair methods? No you can't. You can get mad all you want about the government and yada yada yada yada. But that's life. Getting pissed off 24/7 isn't going to make my $750 monthly check appear. Getting mad 24/7 isn't going to make the Workforce have a trainer ready and call my dad for one. Just to let you know where I live there is no other place that works for Autism or Asperger clients to help and the reason why I'm stating both is because doctors have kept me juggling on both, also Workforce provides special training on how to talk into an interview and how to be prepared for one and my dad will call them sometime in January of 2021 as I've not received a call or my dad in two weeks. Also some people are still confused as well. For example my dad already tried to get me into an apartment or a low income apartment but the managers or the owners per say said no. I've to have a check of MY own income and not my dad's income. I've to show proof of how much I make for myself in a month. Well that's several of the apartment places my dad called and that's their policies which again that's life. Also for people that cuss cashier workers that the line is too long or this is the stupidest one yet. One time my ex aunt got cussed out because there wasn't a product in stock. You know what my aunt did? She called the manager and the manager legit had to tell this person that cashiers aren't the one in control of what comes in the trucks. Which is common f***ing sense in the first place and I've seem some comments on reviews or post saying I don't know why this product isn't stocking so well in stores anymore. Maybe you should read and research online that stupid Joe f***ing Biden has the trade ships sitting at sea. This is why I would never work at a big grocery store. Nope. Take your stupid A$$ out of here and I'm not gonna deal with that sh*t. Knowing me I would probably get fired. Nah I would just walk out and call someone to pick me up. I'm not dealing with that $hit man. Do you research and learn your facts before you cuss a cashier out that's not even their fault. Which brings me to another topic. My dad and my caseworker are the only ones so far that understands that Petco or PetSmart or an office job or online or an animal shelter are the size of building and environment I need to be in and not Kroger or Target or Walmart. Both my dad and caseworker from Tri County Erika know that the building size matters to me. Also on the blog you read about my aunt about to get the cops called on her saying that I don't and secretly implying that if you're capable of walking inside a grocery store or going to go get something you don't have anxiety or MDD. One time she made a claim that I don't have anxiety because I responded to a cashier's response to how are you doing today? What kind of f***ing insanity level is my ex aunt on? She's fruitier than a f***ing fruit cake + an a family size of coco for coco puffs. Seriously that's just f***ing whack! One of my followers on Instagram says that she thinks she is better than a psychiatrist because she is stuck on her fears of the past and using them as a mirror effect on me. Basically she is trying to install fear onto me. Also my IG follower was implying as well she thinks she knows it all. Which makes sense after she goes on a 10 minute saga about her ex drug head friend Cindy. I'm sure since she is going to be out of my life and avoid as much as highly possible maybe some toxicity miasma of my psyche will leave.   So speaking of a low income apartment and before I complete this blog. People need to understand. I'm all round my dad all day. I don't feel comfortable for anyone to hire me as an Uber driver or a taxi driver to my house because my dad would be like WTF? You've to understand I feel UNCOMFORTABLE. You guys read in my last blog that my dad took all my rights away. Well I DESERVE THAT TREATMENT AND I STILL THINK SO TILL THIS VERY DAY AND NOTHING WILL CHANGE MY MIND! You might think my dad is an a$$hole my aunts are sh*t but so what?!!! That's LIFE! You can't control how someone behaves, thinks about you and things like that. Some people requested I should move out. LOL MOVE OUT! Some people online are so f***ing nuts. This is why I don't trust 0 personal information unless I've known you for a few months. One guy suggested I move to California for a better chance at winning SSI. So you're basically telling me to move with what? A magic wand and I've full custody of my son? Is that what you're applying for your own assumptions? I love how people think so illogical about a situation. To a point where you drop everything, even your child and say goodbye to everything. Lol okay sure. So yes. I will not meet anyone until I know them for a few months or a year and until I get my low income apartment. If you don't understand why that's fine. You don't have to understand. Just don't change my mind. You can say well it's not your fault what happened to your mom. Yes IT IS MY FAULT. I WENT ON POF. Hello, did you not read that part? I'm done trying to fight people on this sh*t. If you don't understand, well you just don't understand and I'm not going to make you understand either. Tough luck.   Process:   I had to bring my medical paperwork from 2017 when I was forced to go to a psychiatrist and get proof that I went to a therapist before I could apply into Tri County. The reasoning of this enforcement is in my other deep personal blogs. Then Tri County had that medical test on me as you were shown on one of my blogs from the medical health records. Because if you get denied that means you don't get help and you don't get a second chance either. So what people don't understand is that everything I'm applying for is government based underneath their umbrella. I don't recall if this was on my blog or not but I applied in June or July. Due to Tri County being underneath the government health umbrella I had to wait till November to see anyone as of 2020. Again guys they're not going to cater to me like I'm someone special. You can say words like neglect, this is bull sh*t, I can't believe this, I can't believe this is their policies and the thing is this. It's the government's policies, not theirs. That's what people aren't understanding about this. Every single process I'm doing right now is all government benefits which means none of these process explanations that I'm typing out nobody isn't going to cater to me like I'm someone special. I know I said this several + times but people aren't UNDERSTANDING. Just like SSI isn't going to have a f***ing crystal ball on a date when I will get my appeal secondary answer back yes or no. I'm sure there are several case numbers out there besides mine. They're not going to be like oh this case number has waited awhile for a response let's go look through her medical paperwork. No sh*t doesn't work like that. For example. I didn't get my medical records till February sometime in 2021, yes. You don't get the luxury to pick out your shipping date. You don't get a slip of paper that lets you check off a box that you want your medical record paperwork mailed at a certain date. No again sh*t doesn't work like that. Now if I'm repeating myself some stuff I don't recall if this is in my other personal blogs. But after I got my medical records the SSI building didn't get their copy till April or June. I also can't remember when I saw the two doctors that the company wanted me to see, I think either June or July. One of them and I'm sure in my deep personal blogs there is a timestamp of when I saw the SSI doctors and same with the exact date I got denied in September. Then my dad spent two months trying to find any medical paperwork he could find in the storage building. My dad called the SSI lady in Tri County and got my case appealed sometime in November. So there you've explanation. Everything I've 0 control over. I don't control when I get calls, I don't control when the paperwork gets in the mail and basically you get 0 control when getting government benefits and if I get denied by SSI yet again the reasoning has to be either I'm limited or I must gather new medical paperwork. Yet again I stated this again. That's life. Tough luck. Some things in life are really unfair that you can't do anything about it. But that's been my whole problem online really. People think I'm doing this for attention. Everything I do is for attention because I've 0 friends in real life. But how and where do these people get these bizarre claims when people online haven't made a conversation with me but only on my profile? Also another thing that is happening online is that people say I choose this suffering. I chose this suffering lol okay cool story.   For people still wondering about any other health issues, I can say this. Back in the days of my teenage years my mom did take me to a doctor about my weight problem as I was 82 or 85 pounds before having my son at 18. The doctors think I've hyperthyroid problems. However I didn't go back to this doctor because I refused any blood work to be done. The reason why the doctors diagnosed me with hyperthyroid problems was because I checked off on the list of symptoms. I also told them how I was hungry every 3 hours and no matter how much I ate I couldn't gain weight and I also told them how I ate 5 or 5 and a half plates of buffet food and didn't gain weight. Here are the symptoms of hyperthyroid problems.   nervousness, anxiety and irritability (this part really shocks me I had no idea this was a sign of hyperthyroid problems at all so this is a check for me)   hyperactivity – you may find it hard to stay still and have a lot of nervous energy. (This also surprises me because I tend to move my hands a lot or make gestures when I'm nervous etc)   mood swings. ( Another surprising one)   difficulty sleeping. ( Another surprising one)   feeling tired all the time. ( Another surprising one)   sensitivity to heat. ( I'm not sure if this implies for dizziness or short of breath when temperatures become too hot)   muscle weakness (No)   diarrhea (No)   So with that stated I checked off 6 out of the 8 symptoms. This is probably why I'm 96 pounds and I didn't see any weight gain until 26 years old so you're looking at several years without any weight gain.  However I heard living this untreated isn't fatal so I'm glad that's something I can brush against my shoulder for not going through with blood work or treatments etc.   To ice this on the cake guess what? I was also denied as a person by my school.   I wasn't really confident in telling anyone. Let alone because I thought the behavior was inhumane. But this is what happened, why I never finished high school and was forced to quit. I can't help this is long okay? There is no way I can shorten something up in less than a few sentences. This is the best I can of my ability to summarize what happened. I don't know any other way to fix this any shorter.   However this is super hard to believe but I still can't believe the SAME SCHOOL I went to as my sister they would tell me to quit or finish in person. Knowing damn well I wasn't physically well after my C-section. I was emotionally and mentality spent. I couldn't keep going on. But nope the doctor/school DIDN'T EVEN CARE ONE LICK about that. So wrong of them not to let me finish home bound which I WAS DOING GOOD AT and according to my dad I was doing very very very WELL at and they didn't even take that in consideration? I'm sure the final choice was my C-section doctor, not the school. Yeah, the school was part of the problem but I'm sure my doctor told them NO. The school should be damned ashamed of themselves, same for them saying oh we're sorry we don't have an English teacher or room to put you in another class BULL CRAP. THAT'S ALL LIES. But for them to tell me I got two choices to continue or quit is so inhumane. My dad still till this day has grief and is highly angry that this happened he even told that to SSI/Workforce. Even more shameful/disgraceful, this school promoted a product of what poor education does to someone in all levels of a person's well being/living essence of life long crippling effects. Please don't ask me why my dad didn't fight the doctor to approve the continuation of my home bound. Don't ask me why my dad didn't do anything. I can't give you the answer and I'm not asking anyway. That would be a huge argument and he doesn't want to talk about what has happened to me in high school. Also my dad recently found out this year and last year that my bullying was worse than he thought he thought people were making fun of my legs and feet and nothing else. No, that is only half of what happened there was more, I told my dad as Workforce and Tri County were asking about my high school life that no the other reason was that I was made fun of my face and teeth. I was made fun of when the bell rang for the start of the school all the way till dismissal any chance I was in the hallway I was made fun of. Just think what that does to someone's mental and emotional state of well being? Not only that but physically being able to take care of yourself is healthy/hygienic.    Will I make my son go through the same high school?    Sadly yes I don't think I can ever move out of my town I can't tell you when I will get full custody of my son. I can't tell you that if I moved out of town I'm defenseless all alone and my dad and my aunts wouldn't pick me up if there was an emergency as they're very close in town. Also there is no other high school in my town. Only GED and for juveniles. HOWEVER I WILL NOT TOLERATE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME IN HIGH SCHOOL IF HIS HIGH SCHOOL IS THE SAME AS MINE!    But there you have that. I was forced to quit because of my physical and mental health. Basically my doctor/school denied me of my needs.    My ex aunt recently found this out and this was before our fight. I thought she knew about this and she didn't. She just went silent for a bit and said that is horrible and that's just bull $hit.    The only thing that I don't agree about my aunt is she tells me that Tri County was wrong of them to diagnosis me with MDD because she thinks MDD has to do with not being able to get out of the house and afraid of people and I just didn't keep the conversation going because of a argument. But I know that's pretty dumb that my aunt doesn't believe I've MDD when I was diagnosed by a professional.   So basically the school what happened and I know this in my adulthood of knowledge and going through smoke and mirrors. The school couldn't handle the situation I was in. The problem was too much for them to keep continuing my final year in school. So the school basically blocked out how good I was doing in home bound and was like nope she is too much to handle we can't deal with a student like her let's get rid of her. Basically all that was lol.   I think to be denied as a life essence or a vessel would make anyone's hue go pitch black permanent  and people will say you will one day find a way to get over this and the answer is no my hue is 100 percent stained black I once had a silver hue with pink swirls with shards of purple but that is long gone now and the RABBIT that was once white is now BLACK.   Some things I didn't clarify on my last blog. About my son's dad. You don't know the situation I'm in and how I care about my son's overall well being. You probably will tell me you should get your son's dad in jail if he won't give you child support money because he is too busy buying weed. After I got a proof picture from his ex of him smoking a joint with his friend and for booze bottles etc. No, I'm not going to have my dad's son go to jail because if I send a child support check and he refuses to do that I can send him to jail. No, I'm not going to start drama between him and his two families. You guys don't understand what a mental battle this is for my son. Nor do you understand their side of the family like I do. You probably think I can file abandonment charges but I can't. The abandonment charges have to be 6 months without seeing your child. He sees his dad maybe 4 times per month etc. He goes over to his only grandma left, which is his dad's mom. You probably think I'm a bad parent now but you don't understand my son's well being and what his dad's side of the family will do to him mentally if drama escalates and if you want to call me a bad parent because ''I've not done'' anything then that's on you. You also can't say I've not done anything either. My dad has hired a $500 an hour border certified lawyer of what we should do. If you don't know what bordered certification means, that means the lawyer my dad hired has to win so many cases before earning that status.  So you can't sit there and say you've ''done nothing'' also the legal age for a child to say who he or she wants to live with is age 12. You probably will think of hiring a hitman. Uh no. For people that want to say I want to murder people or kill people or I want to kill you. I think you need to enter some kind of psyche ward and get some mental help and if that's how you act and think that way because my online ex from POF from 2015 through 2017 was the same way and that also implies if you are a drug head don't message me either. I will give you a chance if you sobered up and got the help you need but if you're still hooked on any kind of drug then don't message me because I don't need that in my life and neither does my son. Then don't add me as a friend or try to add me as a friend. No thanks. Also his ex made a post a few months back about how he wont give her any money for the girls * them two have two girls together and that he cares about his friends more than he does his kids. By the way I check her posts every few weeks * Also no I don't think that's stalking I'm just seeing if she posts more stuff about her ex.  Anyways about my last blog, yes he has never been to a soccer game but one time out of the 3 or 4 years our son played. He didn't play this year because he couldn't decide what sport to play and the sign up date expired. He made an excuse that he is too busy to work and he has to take over or his boss fires someone. One time my aunt caught him sleeping on his couch when he said he had to work when he couldn't make it to our son's soccer game. He also never texts or calls my phone to wish our son a happy birthday. So what else more do you want me to type? But however, please leave me alone about this situation. I don't and will not further update this part about getting custody of my son. Why? It's none of your business nor is it your business to tell me what I should do. But you guys are probably thinking well you told us about your online dating experience from the horrors of the depths of POF. Yes because that SHOULD BE KNOWN! People need to know where my PTSD came from besides my high school trauma. Still I don't think I'll ever get over my ex from POF what he did to me? Why? Because he was a normal person in 2015. Because around in 2016 his ex band mates got him hooked on shrooms and acid and probably was doing something else without me knowing. He became very aggressive. Such as a few examples. His ex band mates said something that really pissed him off on FB messenger. So what he did he destroyed his mother's house in a rampage. He took something and threw something against the wall and completely shattered the hallway mirror and put a big huge hole in the wall then he comes over to me and starts beating my head with a wooden plank he ripped off a piece of furniture from his mom's bed until I started screaming and crying my head is bleeding he stopped his rampage, another thing he would do is he would throw me in the shower if I had no sexual interest, he also would threaten to shave me all over if I had no sexual interest either, he also one time asked me to buy lock picks to his band mates house so he can kill them one day, he also one time pointed a gun at his mother's face over a fight and the last one which made me fled for my life but before I go on the aftermath is this. He was driving and someone in the car pissed him off either A flipped him off or B cussed him out. Because I didn't see what was going on but he told me I'm going to throw my pedal board at him and I didn't know what to say well he sped up  to catch up with the guy and rolled down his window and his car wouldn't stop on the breaks there was no break control so we crashed. I feared I was going to get murdered if I said I needed to go to the E.R. for my big bruises everywhere so I said no. But the dumbest mistake I ever made was to flee back home thinking he wouldn't drive or find a way to come to my parents house when we're two hours away. Well wrong answer, he started to randomly show up at my parents house three times. You might have thought why didn't your parents call the police? Well my parents probably thought his mom was home and couldn't take the car. But we were both wrong. Because the next day he showed up when my dad left for work because he was scared of him because my dad threatened him so he showed up when my dad left for work as I said and he forced the garage door open. What I mean by that is lockpicking and after my mom was able to keep the door barricaded for a few minutes so my son and I can flee and hide so I can call 911. So I heard everything while I called 911. I heard crashes in the hallway, glass shattering and everything, 911 said there is police on their way and if I could stay on the phone as  long as possible I couldn't because he was coming to my hiding spot so I had to come out. I was heading my way out of my parent's room and I didn't see my son at all. All I saw was blood on the hallway and my ex probably put my mom's body in the bathroom because I didn't see her. Well he wrapped his arms around me and said and he kept on repeating this over and over. I'm sorry I didn't mean to do this to you. I had no other choice but to do this and I'm not a monster. I had to do it. Well after I broke free from his grasp the police busted the door open and I threw my old phone across the living room floor and fled to my neighbors house. I could see a swat team showing up. According to the few articles I've read the police shot and killed him because the police couldn't get him to comply to put his gun down and my ex fired at the police prompting the police to fire and wound him. I don't think I will ever recover from this PTSD trauma with my ex. Many people say  I will but no starting next year on May 1st would be 5 years. So no I won't. I've mildly gotten over the high school trauma but this? No. My son also had to go to trauma therapy for 4 years because he kept drawing the murder scene on pieces of paper like he would show a picture of a guy holding a gun and a women scribbled out in red and he kept on telling kids I will kill you! This is what my ex always said on his rampage and according to my son he hid underneath a table and saw everything which is no sh*t because I saw the drawings. You guys might question why there are only a few articles out there. Well that's because I refused to do a video tape recording when I was at the police station of what happened. Me and my dad also denied the child protective  services to do a voice or video recording of my son talking about what he saw at the murder. Why did we take him one? The police sent us to one. Why do people not believe this? Well on my old deleted blogs from my old account I talked about how my ex sounded possessed with his growing days of violence. I also talked about how I saw four dark purple portals in his mom's hallway. I also talked about how I was spiritually strangled as well how I got pushed on the couch and my spirit guides blocked half of the damage and I felt like I was being strangled for 5 mins and all I could hear was shrieks and glass shattering in my head and whatever this hostile spirit was saying my ex didn't have this hostile spirit kept on repeating over and over in my head give me the purple gold spiral book now. Then after a few mins passed everything was normal. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BELIEVE THIS but don't call my mother's death FAKE or I'm lying! Many people said I posted this to gain attention and favors from others because I've very few friends online. Uh WTF? Who makes up a story about their mother's death? That's just f***ed up man. But back on topic. When my ex was shot by the police I had a vision of a blue/black scaled reptilian with gigantic spikes on the head with a black robe and the tail was whip-like and spiky. The weird sh*t is is this. The next day I had a dream of the reptilian's face laughing at me and there was an image shown of the old house by the front door. Yes you don't have to believe this I'm just stating what I saw. The thing is still you can't say I made up a fake story about my mother's death. Because A that's sadistic and that's highly f***ed up someone would do that just for attention and friendship gain. But back on a subject. How did I find out I had PTSD? I was forced to help. Sometime in 2017 I had a mental breakdown. Going crazy and other things not only that I was stupid enough to take this unknown medication who knows what my son's dad mom gave me. I think she gave me Prozac but I had some kind of episodic fit. Well my ex's girlfriend at the time * she has moved out and lives in New York now but anyways called the police. The police said I've two choices. Go to the E.R. for an evaluation or to go to the police station. I chose E.R. So I picked E.R. my aunts brought me some food but I ate some and blacked out. I was awoken by an angry doctor telling me WHY DID YOU TAKE UNKNOWN MEDICATION! DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN! I also got yelled at for not knowing I had a month and a half bladder infection still going. So I was on skype with a psychiatrist. She asked if I wanted to harm people or harm myself and I told her no and she let me go because she knew I had no idea I was grieving about my mom's death etc because she was informed about what happened before the Skype call. A  week later I got a letter in the mail from my son's dad's side of the family stating I must get 6 month of signed paperwork for therapy and a psychiatrist if I wanted to keep seeing my son. So I did and the psychiatrist I went to said I've PTSD and MDD and I also found out this year that I was diagnosed with Asperger. My dad had to call him to see if there is any paperwork they could give me for SSI for my second approval. Somehow this paperwork didn't get sent off the first round WTF? I also found out all my 20 page documents were washed away in storage from Harvey because now from what I was told the psychiatrist office is now doing everything on computer instead of paper. WTF? So many twists and turns this year but back on the subject. He wanted me on off brand Zoloft and off brand Xanax because when you're on Medicaid you get off brand medication. Which I was addicted to for a year and a half with booze but I will get towards that in a second. So the therapist I went to had to separate me and my dad because we were cussing each other out and we were disturbing everyone. Which is quite sad. We can't even talk civilly. However she told me what I was going through is a grieving and PTSD cycle and this is the reason why I felt this way. Therapy helped me out big time. Sadly my insurance ran out that year and I couldn't keep going after 6 months. I don't think you want an essay of the bull sh*t I dealt with at that time and why I got denied with Medicaid and my psychiatrist was $500 without no insurance as well. DO YOU GUYS REALLY HAVE TO  KNOW THAT? No? Okay? But before we go back on the subject let me tell you something. My dad and I don't go to movies, go out to eat unless one of his sisters takes us, we don't go shopping (yes I know this isn't a man thing and he sits in the car) anyways he also takes me to concerts with him either. Why? Because he says if he doesn't have a friend to go with then I go with him. Why does my dad act like this? Because he is concerned about money. His whole mind is about money and thinking about money Would be nice right for my dad to think what can I do with my daughter just once or twice a month? Movies? Anything? No how much will that cost. I can't do that because of money. Even when my dad had a job he still wouldn't do anything with me. His whole entire life has been about money and how much things cost. He is more worried about money spending then spending quality time with me. I think where this stems from is he grew up very poor with his sisters. Well back on the subject. I mentally had to tell myself I've to quit this addiction. I can't keep going on like this. I told myself this in my head over and over again. That's why I went into spirituality to find a way to zen and find the highest enlightenment and set myself ''free'' and get rid of this ''old shell'' and kill the ''shadow'' I also would meditate on off brand Xanax and alcohol at the same time. However, you guys are probably thinking this is a lie too. Then you can read my spiritual blogs and make you grasp the PTSD severity and the experience I've had all my life. Because if you can't gather the trauma speech dialect from my blog then you're just helpless to understand me Because my spiritual blogs aren't hard to follow even if you're not into spirituality either. But back on the positives. What do I do to keep my mom's memory alive? Well my dad finally put her urn to rest last year and he wasn't ready at all, he also put my mom's picture that he had blown up in his closet because he gets too upset and when my aunts visit or my sister visits or even me we become very upset but back on the positive spots. My mom loved decorating for Christmas and Halloween and Valentine's day and I will continue to do so until the day this vessel dies. Also pass out candy each year as my mom loved doing that. I also will continue to give my son the best birthday possible because his dad and his dad's family won't and my mom made sure he always got the best birthdays.   You guys are wondering do I take any medication now? No, Valerian root helps me, stress relief tea helps me and also I'm trying holy basil now for depression and anxiety. Why? Because Valerian and stress tea works for me so I wouldn't see why an extra boost would help me or not. Yes you're free to think if these holistic treatments are bullsh*t. That's fine, think what you want. But what works for me, just works for me. I'm not going to force you to take anything and I know I told people what I take for my depression or sleep problem etc and I've been blocked before which is kind of stupid if you ask me. I'm making a question and answer that you guys might possibly have reading my blogs for the readers that click on this link that simple. If you couldn't figure this out or it was too difficult of a task. My blogs are a background story of my tragic past. I'm not here for a boo hoo give me some sympathy or a cookie.s   Now on the final personal subject many have asked why I'm on here besides friends and searching for friends around the globe. Sure you're aware that there is more to it than just that.Yei, in December in 2021, I decided to make an update and final version of my personal blogs of how my family is excluding my sister because she isn't a problem. Well when I shared that blog to people that I know online almost all of them deleted me and I had to block a few for their comments. Someone that claimed he loved me as well ghosted me recently this month. The only thing I could think of is my family ''problems'' have not heard back from him and I probably won't. However not many people or a guy wants to date someone that must live in a life of secrets or a family that likes to do things separate or live their own lives and not to be bothered. So right now my psyche is filled with there is no hope honestly and I don't think there is. For an example let's start off with something to start off with.  My dad and I rarely eat at a restaurant. I would say maybe 2-3 months. Why? Because he is worried about his money. Everything about my dad is a worry. He is really frugal and paranoid with his money. Yei that's all my dad thinks about his money. Not once has he thought oh let's have quality time with my daughter and have dinner. No, because he is worried about spending money. But here is when crap hits the fan. 

Beelzebub

01/05/2022 04:03 PM 

Me behind the screen part 2.
Current mood:  cold

Also not the one that evaluated me in 2020 but in 2017 I had a doctor extremely rude as f**k. She thought I was anorexic and rolled her eyes at me when I told her I eat 3-4 times a day. Needless to say, the reports from 2017 I never went back because of the disrespect. Also the same lady told me to be thankful that you don't have a psychosis disorder with all these mental health issues you've. But trust me if I got the same lady in 2020 as I did in 2017 I would've requested for another person. I didn't find out till 2020 Tri County offered services for SSI and Workforce until I saw a pamphlet on one of their tables when I had to go back for something. The only thing wrong about my Tri County exam is they're not understanding about as I'm older now at 28 years old my hunger level decreased but my metabolism is still burning fat for an example Stouffer frozen dinner chicken alfredo pasta and I flung out broccoli which has 540 calories. 31 grams of fat which is 40 percent of your daily intake and saturated fat is 11 which is 55 percent of your daily intake and I don't gain weight if my sister ate this she would've gained 10 pounds and one time I did eat about 60 grams of fat one day and didn't gain weight lol. So for them to say I eat with personal effort is true because I eat when I'M HUNGRY or my VOID growls but the false part is I'm severely underweight. Also I think that's very dumb for them to say in the first place that they marked I eat with personal effort. Well no $hit beaver. It's called if your stomach a.ka. void is growling that means you're hungry and go eat. A.KA. personal effort to go eat. For some reason I'm not hungry every 3-4 hours as I was in my 20's. Something is happening to my digestive tract. It has nothing to do with me because I don't want to eat and not once have I ever thought in my life I don't want to eat. The only time I never ate good is when I was in a lot of pain and felt really bad. Just a rude lady I got in 2017 but whatever lol. For example , back in my 20's I could eat 5 plates or a half and not gain weight and be hungry within a few hours. Now as I'm older I can only eat one and a half plates of food or two and a half and still feel full till night time and not within a few hours. Also I eat pasta almost everyday and I eat high carbs that also don't make me gain weight. That is a digestive problem for me. That has nothing to do with what I don't want to eat. My digestive track has changed as I aged. So if you want to say do I believe my report to be true. Yes, why of course just not the eating part. Also I eat at the worst times of day. Maybe that's why my digestive track is messed up besides age. I eat around 2-3 P.M. Very rarely do I wake up around 11 am or noon unless I'm required to be somewhere. Then I eat around 9:30 or 10 p.m. something then I eat before bed 3-4 A.M. I heard eating late at night is very very very very bad for you .-.   Just know I love food. Just because my intake of food declined with my age doesn't mean I hate food. I just feel a lot fuller than normal. But come take a seat in Hell with me . Oh I'm a very picky eater as well. Trauma, Abuse, Neglect:10/13/17 Client presents today with complaints of Nightmares `' my dreams are about being chase `' PTSD related symptoms started a few months after incident . Reports exaggerated startle response `' I hate loud noises ..the other day when we went out to eat a plate dropped and I jumped. .'' Flashbacks, negative view of herself and others,'' I always have this self hatred for myself `' irritability Feels tense `' on edge `' Intrusive thoughts, loss of interest ,Avoidance behaviors. Psychological and physiological responses to triggers.10/10/17 Ind reports that an ex boyfriend was physically abusive. This is the boyfriend who killed ind's mother. Ind reports that she was in the house when her mother was killed. "I heard everything that happened." Reports that her ex boyfriend was killed by the police. Ind reports having vivid memories of the abuse, flashbacks, intrusive images, nightmares, exaggerated startle response, dissociation, hypervigilance, and avoids situations and people who reminded of the murder of her mother. "I am more alert and more anxious now. I am keeping an eye on things now."   Axis V: Global Assessment of Functioning (current GAF) 47   If you're wondering what a GAF scoring is I can tell you what Google told me. GAF is to scale/rate the severity of the person's mental illness scale. If you want to know what my score is just type in Google GAF scale 47. Also before you Google because you think 47 is a high score and a GAF 47 seems like a good score. No mine was pretty bad. 47 isn't a good score. A normal GAF scaling would be 70 + which means psychological state with little to/no complication with school/work/family/social environment and behavior and isolation. So mine is a 47 which should tell you mine is below average with heavy complications in those fields.     They also took a Depressive Symptomatology test on me and I scored TOTAL SCORE (Range 0-27) 16 so me scoring a 16 according to Google terms is 16-20 = Severe depression. How did the examiner score me 16? The examiner asks a series of Depressive questions hence the questionnaire sheet being called Depressive Symptomatology testing. The GAF score is an overall summary of evaluation of my whole exam then the person will rate my mental illness severity rate there.   And also the chart doesn't work on here when I copy and paste from PDF file because there are answers that are circled with a black dot on here that don't pick up on here but I've mild Insomnia as well many people disagree with me because I go to bed at 5:30 or 6 a.m. and wake up round 12:30-2:45 P.M. just varies. The doctors labeled me that because I'm low energy all during the day and I'm super awake and hyper at night and I've to take sleep aid to fall asleep. But I'm not going to argue about this though. Also before this gets wrapped up you're free to call my dad whatever you want. Psi Vampire which an ex friend told me your dad is a Psi Vampire with his personality. I've also been told by ex friends that my dad is a tyrant. The problem is he has a troubled mind. He uses this to be negative to me. He won't go see a therapist even though me and my sister have talked in the past about whether he needs to go see a therapist. Our dad has told me he doesn't want help because he wants to cope with his own problems himself and he has different ways of coping and he doesn't want someone else's opinion. Also I understand if you don't want to talk to me after reading this. I've had a few people say on different websites that my lifestyle wasn't for them and I respect that.

Beelzebub

01/05/2022 04:01 PM 

Me behind the screen part 1.
Current mood:  cold

I know what you guys are thinking? Seriously? You're posting this for everyone to see. Well on my last account I had here I've stated these are dairies for me and for those that wish to become friends with me. Why? Because my life that goes within my life some people aren't ''okay'' with having someone that lives like that or lives with so many proven professional mental health diagonals etc. You might not think this is the correct way. But I feel like this is the only way. I'm also sorry you disagree that this is not okay to do. But I only feel like this is fair for the other person getting to know me and be friends with me. I feel that letting the person know this AFTER the fact is not okay. That's just how I personally feel and I understand if you disagree. Also if you want to think that I'm talking to myself then that's fine bu that's not really true at all but okay cool story yet again.Why? What is the point? What happened is already done and happened in the past. There is nothing you can do or say anything that can reverse the timeline. Pointless. Not only that I really don't know what emotional gain I can get from this but I'm not in the mood. Thanks. Also this is what is currently going on with SSI/Workforce. So just to get people the heads up. People think I choose this suffering because I enjoy this suffering. This is highly incorrect if you read my blog above this that someone that had to  deal with that kind of mental torture. Do you really think someone could recover if their whole life was based off of denial and refusal of help? Yes or no? Because not every person is going to accept themselves and move on from this. Yes I know High School was more than 10 + move on and accept what happened to you. No, that is just the same thing that goes with people saying move on from your guilt and regret and you got your Mom killed. No, I'm not moving on. There will always be lingering emotion of guilt and regret always in the back of my mind because my actions created life altering changes for everyone in my family. However as a 28 year old and about to be 29 next year I still can't understand this one thing I didn't understand why I did something this stupid and foolish. Knowing that dating online can end up as a nightmare story that gets posted on the news. I have no idea why I signed up to a very popular dating site called POF when I was 20. I don't know why or how or what overcame me to do stupid things like that at all. I still don't know till this day what went on my mind. Why I did such a stupid thing. You probably think well....you're on Space Hey. For one, Space Hey isn't a dating website. Two I don't go looking for people to add. If someone adds me that's fine because I don't have any personal information on there like I was doing when I was a 20 year old yes I know that is super stupid. Same thing with Runescape. I think people that post their real name on Runescape or any website for that matter are asking for trouble.  If you're wondering what I came to terms with as accepting in 2021 I can tell you this. My dad and his sisters will never accept me. This I've moved away from and accepted this took me till I was 26 years and growing years to understand this. If my dad and my aunts can't see me as part of the family because I want SSI and a work three days out of a week and live in a low income apartment and I will never accept Jesus in my life then that is fine. I've accepted in terms of their ways that I wasn't what my dad and my aunts  expected/wanted. That is their own problem not mine. Maybe one day my dad and my aunts will find acceptance in themselves but probably not. Not because of negative thinking but because my dad and aunts have been this way for years and same with the Bible controlling their life choices. If the Bible says something is wrong then my dad and aunts have to abide by what the Bible tells them. I've zero control for them to change their ways because my dad and aunts won't. One aunt reads the Bible every morning and I heard a conversation from my dad to his sister and one time my dad said to his friends that the Bible is the best book he ever read. One of my aunts teaches Bible lessons every Tuesday or Wednesday. I forgot which day. So with that said me and my dad and aunts need to find acceptance in their own self and self healing/reflecting that things will be okay and my dad just needs to accept me because your daughter didn't turn out the way you wanted her to be. I think my dad had high hopes that I would be like my sister who has a one story house with her husband and has a hard working job. But the thing is the huge disappointment in the family clan is my sister. Because my dad and my aunts don't like that she is an atheist. My aunts need to understand that their brother's daughters needs to be accepted for her ways and her life path just because someone doesn't follow Christianity hardcore doesn't mean you look down upon me. That is their own problem not mine. My dad and my aunt don't want to talk about this zero anymore because I brought up that I'm a spiritualist and I don't know what year this was but my dad and my aunts thought I was summoning demons and creating portals in the house and my dad and his sisters after I tried explaining myself about spirituality my dad and my aunts told me to never bring that up ever again. I will not and must not talk about spirituality and their religion ever again. Another thing I accepted was I finally started wearing sandals starting when I was 27. I no longer care if people think my pigeon toed feet are disgusting. I honestly enjoy wearing sandals. I just wish I had a navy pair and a pink pair and a rose gold now haha. I kind of love wearing sandals more than I do sneakers. I've to wear sandals that have an ankle strap on the back because of how I walk. I need security that the sandal is in place around my ankle and not sliding everywhere because I've to force myself to walk straight. I also at the same age accepted that you don't like how I look and are staring at me? Cool I'll just smile at you to notice that you're staring at me. Smile and walk away. Simple yet effective. I also got over the fact that I guess I'm highly interesting to look at and I'm not even wearing strange clothing and now I'm amused by that. Also to get over this, people need to understand this one thing. I've skin issues for one thing and no that's not because of using face scrubs because people that damage their skin by face scrubs are manhandling their face and I personally think there is nothing wrong with scrubs because Back on subject. My face is a product of picking the face as a teen hence why I've micro skin problems. Also for some reason I struggle shaving my armpits. Yes I know that's disgusting. For some reason my wrist will not turn at a certain angle for me to shave them and I can't even eat with my left hand at all. One time I tried and I cut my armpit and I had the cut there for weeks and I also told my dad an automatic razor for my legs is $30 and up and he goes. I'm not paying that because you're paranoid about cutting your legs while shaving. That is your own problem. My dad also still will always refuse to buy me dental insurance for $60-100 even when he was working. My dad has always and will always refuse this and not take me to a sedative doctor to get my teeth fixed. This is how my dad is. You've to learn and accept your dad's ways and your aunt's ways and move on. My sister was easy to accept and this is going off topic but whatever I don't care. I accepted this way before I was 27 that I will only see my sister on Birthdays and Holidays because this is is how she wants to be so I'm not going to argue about this to her when I already know my answer to why. I'm her sister and I know that I already know the answer by my sister's personality etc because we're sisters after all. Also back on the subject of suffering. People think I don't want to escape my dad. No this is so incorrect you fail to understand, I exhausted every option and my dad has as well. My dad has called several apartments when he had a job and asked if he could pay for my rent to get me to move out because we're both aware we both create negative and stressful situations around each other and all we do is argue with each other.  Anyways back on the topic all apartments said no. I've to have my SSI check or some kind of income with my own paperwork for low income apartments. My sister said no right off the bat. I don't know why I even bothered to ask. My aunts aren't going to let me move in with them and that is a no. Just to let you know/refresh your memory my mom is dead, my mom's sister is dead she died of breast cancer second strike of cancer she won the first battle and lost the second battle when cancer returned a few years later and when she found out she was at stage 4 she didn't make it she was found dead according to one of my aunts 62 pounds and a skeleton in trailer. The cancer that came back was extremely aggressive and even with chemo and meds wasn't enough. My mom's sister died of a stroke that went to her brain. Her son found her dead on the bathroom floor. My cousin moved to some far out state.  However why I feel so sad for her because my mom's sister used to be a thief and was banned from Target hoarding /stealing DVDS. She cleaned up and got the help she needed and got her a car and she found a job at a Kohl's where she folded and kept clothes organized. A few months later she had a stroke that went to her brain and died on the bathroom floor where her son found her the next day and my cousin idk where he went to he moved to another state that's not Texas. My cousin he didn't say anything to the family and left and hasn't contacted anyone in the family as far as my dad has told me and I don't ask either. That's just so f**ked up and still in 2022 that's just still some messed up stuff that fate was like nope. My mom's mom died of a stroke at 62 but this is a huge problem for one reason. We were in a massive bad rut with money so we couldn't help her so SSI gave her $500 or $600 to live off of and $50 of food stamps to eat a month and she was a diabetic but this was years and years ago mind you. So I think she honestly died of a stroke because of her poor health she was in and there was no finance aid we could've done or anyone else etc. My mom's dad is unknown and was a donor and left. My dad's side of the family is the only remaining brother. My dad said that his brother had died of alcoholism/heart failure and I found out from my dad this year that my dad's brother refused help from him and his sisters to get help for his alcoholic addiction. My mom's brother who isn't in contact with the family randomly called my dad and somehow found his number and called him somehow and told him he recently got out of jail for a hit and run and in the past would camp out in the woods other than that my dad has four sisters. I think my mom has another sister that doesn't contact the family and according to everyone and what my aunts tell me she lives in her own fantasy world and doesn't contact the family. I do have a Niece but we never talk and I've no idea why but this is a common theme for her. According to my aunts she only contacts if there is Thanksgiving at her house or she needs something other than that she doesn't text the family and next year if she invites me to Thanksgiving or her daughter's 1st birthday I will wait till my ex aunt leaves and I'm not afraid to text my dad or my other aunt that will take me there. My dad says I've an aunt in Canada which I know she isn't going to take me and sense I've split custody of my son that is illegal anyways.  But my dad's mom, if you don't remember, died of the brain eating disease at 87. His dad left his mother and never came back. My aunts called their dad 15 years ago + and their dad was like who is this? Why are you calling me? So after that my aunts never tried talking to their dad. So as you can see. I've nowhere to go. Also believe this or not I just got done with my final examination stage with SSI stage. I'm also saying things like I want to escape my dad and his negativity because that is part of where most of my negativity is streaming from because me and my dad will never get along. The reason why I want a extra source of income a.k.a I want a part time job along with SSI because I've to pay for my son's clothes and needs that he wants and his Birthday and Christmas and that his dad side of the family doesn't give me zero financial support because that's how his family is and there is nothing I can fix that. Not because of depression or I don't want to. His family is just f**ked up. For example one time his dad's mom sent him shoes that were falling apart because THEY KNEW WE WOULD BUY HIM NEW SHOES FOR THEM! My son's dad has only been in one soccer game our son's whole 3 years he went. He makes up an excuse like this. Someone got fired. I've to take over. I'm busy and I've to work. But for one thing you don't work every single day of the week. Most importantly my son's dad and like every person that works has two days off. Nobody works 7 hours a day. Because if you did you would be worked to death. According to my son, his dad told him that the reason why he doesn't see his dad often is because he is busy and there isn't a time off and the painful thing as a parent is that my son wants to love his dad. Speaking of dad figures is this. The only thing I can hope for my dad to happen one day and will never happen is to have emotional consideration for me and have some emotional support instead of judging me and not listening to me and tell me to stop talking about personal problems and be quiet and leave him alone. Heck the most of our sentences are 5-10 mins long and he wants me to be quiet. However, I think he needs to learn this one important thing. I've moved on from this. Because I know this isn't going to happen. Because he is the same way as I was as a teenager and now 28 years old my aunts will never change either and I said this again because I felt like I should add this for this part.So for people saying that I'm choosing to sit in my dad's house and do nothing but sit and rot. No, I'm sitting and waiting for SSI and The Workforce. Another thing you might be thinking is well you just sit around the house all day and not go out. Yes because I don't have the funds to go to a Taxi and even with my aunt giving me $40 every two weeks for cleaning money a.k.a. Taking care of the house isn't enough to do that. Let me give you a general idea. I Googled my favorite bar and grill that supports local live music from my locale ranging from Metal to Rock and their food is amazing! Would cost me $60 in total to take me there and back from Uber. My aunt takes me grocery shopping every two weeks and let me tell you this and I mean this honestly. Me and her don't go see a movie UNLESS WE REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY HAVE TO GO SEE THE MOVIES IN THEATER. Last movie we saw was the last Star Wars Movie for tickets and food was about $60 or $70. $20 for reclined seats and then $30-40 in food. We like to pig out when we go to movies so honestly the cost and how expensive we eat at the movies is our own problem. My other aunt has 5 anchors in her arm from a very nasty fall she had and I call f**king bull s**t and I think this made her arm worse due to the virus should couldn't see anyone till for longer than a month and a half my dad said when I asked how long my aunt couldn't see a doctor. Her arm hurts. She said within 30 minutes of driving her arm hurts. My other aunt always wants to stay by her husband's side. So as you can see I don't want to sit and rot. I just don't have the finances to get an Uber drive to go see two concerts a month because I would really like that and more importantly there are limited things to do where I live. So this isn't a choice of oh I want to rot and do nothing. No you're wrong. There is a difference between not having the funds to do something/poor transportation than sitting around with a mindset of rotting. Also my mood everyday is mostly sassy. I'm not depressed 24/7. I just have a bad attitude problem. But I do feel helpless in a way which is normal to have some kind of dignified emotion. All I want is to be accepted by people. This has nothing to do because I won't accept myself. No, you're missing the picture here. People have a hard time understanding me because I'm Autistic my caseworker Erika said there are professional doctors still out there till this day that still don't know how to handle Autism still. My legs and feet aren't normally constructed to look like a normal person's legs and feet. I've a big overbite which is a common trait for all of our family members. I'm different. Most of the time I'm pushing the buggy I'm getting looked at or some kid is staring at me like what the f**k is that I'm looking at? You see, I'm asking for acceptance for people to love me for who I'm. When I had to go to the SSI government psyche examiners they asked how popular was your sister in high school and I find this very strange. Why the living Hell would the examiner ask about my sister? I guess to see who is the dumb one in the family I guess? I was pretty shocked about this ? But I really didn't say much as I found that weird. The SSI worker was also asking ? On who got their GED and who passed high school and the next strange thing is asking about who went to college. But you know I'm just trying to get my point across that I'm not here saying oh I don't wanna do anything but sit and rot in my dad's house and just stick with his negative comments. No, there is nothing I can do about my situation or make SSI go any faster or make the Workforce call back and reply to my caseworker Erika. I've exhausted all options. Everything is a waiting game. Which all of you completely fail to understand. Also I'm not being negative when I say I don't think there is a cure for Autism because you can't naturally alter someone's brain cells naturally and in an organic way without using some kind of chemical drug etc. So please if you still want to say well you're the one that got yourself in this pickled mess. Nah I would just tell you that you're highly insensitive about my personal life issues. Are also quick to judge me etc.    For people that want to know what happened with the guy I met on POF and what he did to me then read this. Just be warned there is tons of graphic text.   Shampoo Moons Free Emo Dating Profile | Free Alternative Dating (altscene.com)   Any new problems with your dad? Why yes of course.   So now my dad thinks I'm an alcoholic because I drink once a month on Saturday or Sunday and I've had two beers or I've had two shots of brandy or flavored brandy depending on what I want. So what happened was last month on my dad's birthday sometime in September. I had two beers while gaming and my dad was like are you drunk? Your 96 pounds so that probably got you drunk/wasted and why were you drinking? I said I wanted to play a video game and catch up on RuPaul as well and then he said that it makes no sense that you do that. So on his birthday in September something we were going to have pizza and dad asked if I was going to drink and I said one glass of wine he goes why are you drinking so much? I said what you talking about? The last time I had any booze of any kind was 4 weeks ago with my aunt and only had two glasses of wine and after that I drank nothing but water/flavored/carbonated water/iced tea/diet variety of flavors of cranberry juice and stuff like that and sugar tea because that's all I really drink for two weeks until time to shop. But back on topic I told him you do understand me and my aunt * The one where her teeth fell out is the one that takes me not the bible study teacher aunt or the one that reads her bible everyday not them do because those two aunts think drinking is morally wrong and against God's will. But back on the subject I said we only go to restaurants only one time in a month, which is 4 weeks with my aunt. Then my dad starts raising his voice in the car when we got done eating in the restaurant.   ''I DON'T CARE IF YOU DRINK EVERY DAY EVERY OTHER DAY OR ONCE A WEEK OR I DON'T CARE HOW LONG DRINK FOR ALL I CARE! I'VE NOT HAD ANY ALCOHOL IN 3-5 MONTHS! I just stood in the car thinking in my head what the f***?! Is he hinting but not verbally saying I'm obsessed with alcohol? Then I was telling my dad that you know how long a bottle of brandy lasts a small one? I told my dad I had finally almost finished the bottle and it's been in there sense DECEMBER OF LAST YEAR. He just goes I don't care then we stopped talking in the car and he played his classic rock on the radio of the car high enough volume to not hear me talk anymore or something where he couldn't hear me talk.    Okay for starters:   I think it's perfectly normal for the brain to think about a good drink and food while going to a restaurant. I'm sure there are many people and I mean MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE that think about their food and drink choice for dining out. That's normal, that doesn't mean I'M OBSESSED. MAYBE IF I WAS LIKE OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG I CAN'T WAIT FOR SOME WINE OR WHISKY AND COKE I GOTTA HAVE IT! Have I ever said that to my dad or aunt? Not at all. All I said was I can't wait to have good food and drink LMAO.   Do I wake up thinking about drinks? No I don't XD I have had any shakes or stutters from not drinking for weeks. No I don't. I also think having two glasses of whine or two glasses of whisky and coke is perfectly normal at a restaurant that's responsible for drinking. But my dad thinks I'm drunk by either two glasses of wine or whisky and coke or two beers alone LMAO. Buzzing isn't the same as being drunk. If I go to the grocery shop after having two glasses of wine or whisky and coke after having lunch with my aunt then I'm not drunk. Same as I head home I'm able to take my shower and stay up as normal. Which further implies I'm not drunk. I think my dad needs to learn the definition of having a buzz vs drunk. Also I get water to go because you need hydration not because I'm drunk like my dad thinks I'm.   So today Monday Labor Day my dad was cleaning the kitchen and he goes is this for your drinks? Was some cute fruit shaped gel filled water that can be put in the freezer and I go no I don't I use those for my tea and water and juices etc. Then he found a sparkly looking beer flute looking glass. He goes is this a drink glass? I said no it's not and I only got that at some thrift shop because I liked the sparkly purple color etc and my dad was like OKAY I WAS JUST ASKING. I just walked in my room.   For one I only have two glasses for my brandy so uh idk man my dad is really tripping the f*** out lately. However if you had to ask me do I've a alcohol problem? Uh I would say no because I don't drink everyday/I don't think about drinking everyday and I think my dad is down right confused about me being an alcoholic I just think he thinks I'm obsessed with drinking because I always get a drink at a restaurant the only time I don't is if I forgot my wallet which one time I did at a Mexican restaurant and my dad said we can go get your wallet it's no big issue and I said no I can't get soda. Then my dad kept on saying something then I just said f*** it let's just go get my I.D. then that ended up a screaming match. WELL WHY THE F*** OFFER IF YOU GOT MAD WHEN I SAID NO? I told my dad after the meal we're not doing this again. He says that's fine because I don't care anymore. This is pretty embarrassing people were probably staring at us in the parking lot and my sister and her husband and my son for some kind of holiday which my sis husband got a new job so he can FINALLY COME DOWN for holidays and birthdays because his old job and the job that sunk the ship Fry's told him no he couldn't take days off for that. But yeah let me tell you one thing about my dad and we will stop this stupid conversation. My own son knows my dad makes me mad and we don't get along. That's down right sad. I hope my dad will and probably will never understand I'm not an alcoholic or obsessed with alcohol but he is stubborn as a Ox and will think what he wants. Also the reason why I don't drink soda every two or three days unless my dad brings an Icee isn't because I'm thinking about booze every single time opening a can that's just f***ing stupid in the first place. I just am trying to limit my soda intake. I only drink sparkling water with caffeine or green tea for caffeine because that is a healthier OPTION and a 6 pack of sparkling water energy drinks last for a good two or three weeks in the fridge as I don't like a lot of sugar anymore. Some days are more tiring than others. Not because I'm suffering from an addiction problem. My dad is the one that has an addiction problem when he is stressed out or his nerves are shot like he says sometimes he reaches for a can of snuff. He says over and over and over he is going to quit dipping but hasn't. Quite sad. Even more sad till this day my aunt is 62 years old and her teeth are all gone but two or three bottom teeth that were good and her teeth fell out from gum disease are quite sad and my aunt said she probably isn't ever going to quit that's sad. One of my aunts is 65 something and the other is 70 something and all have their teeth. Just a plain sad man. You know what's really sad about my aunt that smokes? As soon as she stressed out she goes in the car ''I'm so sorry I've to have a cigarette'' that's just plain sad you don't see me with all the dumb sh*t my dad rants and raves to me every day I reach for a drink. No because that's just stupid. But dad will be in a delusional land that he and his sister are having an addiction to a can of snuff and my aunt with cigarettes. My aunt lives with her sister and husband. The cigarette aunt doesn't have a husband. Anyways her sister told her you must smoke outside and spray by the front door and around that area. That's just super sad man. Speaking of the word sad you might think of me sad because. I refuse to get the vax and if you want to block me for that then go ahead idc and my reasoning is in the next blog by the way. But yes me and my dad argue everyday. Also  me and my dad never have lunch or dinner together because he is worried about his precious money. Because for my dad everything is a worry with ''how much will things cost.'' Pretty sad huh? He won't spend time with his daughter because he is worried about money. That's quite sad if you ask me. Yes he says he loves and cares about me. But the thing is you never want to do anything with me because of ''money?'' and not only that you don't want to use your money for us to go do something once or twice a month? As well as my dad only allows me to eat out once per week he says that is so stupid that people eat out every single day. My dad also claims that my body wash is expensive. He asked how much my body wash bottle was recently and I told him and he made a huge -gasp noise- and was like OMG THAT'S SO EXPENSIVE!  I was like $7 for body wash and you do understand people spend $13-20 on body wash right? He goes I don't care. See? That's a problem with my dad. He can't carry on a civil conversation with me about money or anything like that. Now my dad told me I must pay for my shampoo and conditioner now because my body wash is expensive. Also my dad this year refused to buy my supplements that help with my inflammation pain and time of the month pain. He told me in October he will no longer pay for them and I must pay for them or it's too bad. My caseworker told me and I probably said this again that my dad is teaching me to survive on my own. But the thing is and I didn't tell her this because I really didn't want to go off was this. Telling someone oh well. Or it's too bad. Isn't how you tell someone  survival. How about a grown up conversation like hey T? Can I tell you why I won't buy half of your things anymore? I'm teaching you how to live on your own. But no, that's too much work for my dad. My dad also claims he isn't a negative person and he is filled with positivity.  Also my dad almost ruined Christmas last year. As soon as he opened a pair of socks me and my sister bought for him he had something negative to say in front of everyone. I don't like the Champion logo on the socks and my sister said well we can return them. LIKE WTF?! Sometimes my dad says something negative about his Christmas gifts on the day of Christmas or a few days after like WTF? Here is the thing guys I'm not asking for my dad to say thank you. No , the thing is to feel appreciated for once! But look, I'm not making a saga about my dad. I think you get the gist of the kind of person he is.     Here is some things you need to keep in mind reading this report:      My DR made several grammar mistakes according to Google automatic checkers for spelling and grammar. I guess A didn't give two f**ks about doing a proofread or B she just wanted to type so fast and f**k the proofreading and type out my report and then get the f**k out of my office. Another thing is I tried my best to make this readable as when I copy and pasted this report either A browser error that I'm using or B maybe that's how things are formatted on a PDF file transferred on an about me page and things happen like that but idk. But I made a caring effort to make things readable. E for effort right?   Tri-County MHMR Services DIAGNOSTIC REVIEW FORM AXIS I: Clinical Disorders and Other Conditions That May Be a Focus of Clinical Attention ID Description Priority Begin Date End Date   MAJ DEP. D/O RECURR SEV W/O 1 10/10/2017   POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISO 2 10/10/2017   299.80 ASPERGER'S PDD, RETT'S D/O 3 06/10/2008   10/10/17 Ind meets the criteria for MDD and PTSD. Asperger's dx was from previous assesssment when inwas a child. Problems maintaining at school, at home and socially. PDD DX provided Dr Gaines   Which of the above three is the primary axis? 1 AXIS IV:   Psychosocial and Environmental Problems ID Description Priority Begin Date End Date   Economic Problems 1 10/10/2017   Primary Support Group 2 10/10/2017   Prob w/Access to Health Care 3 10/10/2017   Occupational Problems 4 10/10/2017   Tri-County MHMR Services DIAGNOSIS: MR SUPPLEMENT Current Adaptive Behavioral Level: Zero One Two Three Four Potential Adaptive Behavioral Level: Zero One Two Three Four Adaptive Behavioral Level Date 10/17/2008 (I checked number one) which is Borderline Adaptive Behavior Disorder. Just doesn't show here because I guess copy and paste isn't picking up on the dotted circle that was selected as one   Also remember on my papers it says my MDD and PTSD is without w/o psychosis disorder   Diagnosis part two yes I know this is hard to read but I'm copy and pasting from the PDF file Tri-County MHMR Services   DIAGNOSTIC REVIEW FORM AXIS I: Clinical Disorders and Other Conditions That May Be a Focus of Clinical Attention ID Description Priority Begin Date End Date   MAJ DEP. D/O RECURR SEV W/O 1 10/10/2017   POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISO 2 10/10/2017   AUTISTIC DISORDER 3 10/14/2021   BORDERLINE INTELLECTUAL FU 1 10/14/2020 IQ Score 79   (Something to learn. I was told by Workforce and Tri County that now psychologist can't use the word borderline mentally retarded anymore. So now the word retarded is replaced with borderline intellectual disability or you can just say I.D.D. * as well as if you're wondering what a 504 plan is, a 504 plan back in the old days was for mentally down or slow or mentally challenged students. Also I was told I can only understand 8th grade comprehension. I also failed the high school English test 4 times. In 8th grade I had to be bypassed in Math)     IQ Test Date 10/14/2020 IQ Test Type IQ: S-B    Chief Complaint: 10/13/17 24 y/o WF seen at TCBHC for initial psychiatric evaluation. Requesting medication services to treat her anxiety and depressed mood. Psychosocial: Unemployed. One Child. Shares custody of her child with her child's father . Mother was murdered in May of this year by her significant other. He is also deceased. Depression increased since her mother's death. Client states, `' I am here to get something for my PTSD.. I have these nightmares every night `'Diagnosed with ADHD as a child. Client was taking Adderall, Straterra in the past with poor results. Diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome at age 13 years old. History of previous mood disturbances.`' I was very moody growing up `' Denies engaging in self-harming behaviors, Denies previous suicide attempts. Denies previous inpatient hospitalization .Client presents today with complaints of Nightmares `' my dreams are about being chase `' PTSD related symptoms started a few months after incident . Reports exaggerated startle response `' I hate loud noises ..the other day when we went out to eat a plate dropped and I jumped. .'' Flashbacks, negative view of herself and others,'' I always have this self-hatred for myself `' irritability Feels tense`' on edge `' Intrusive thoughts, loss of interest, Avoidance behaviors. Psychological and physiological responses to triggers. Reports Sleep disturbances `' I try to go to sleep but I have this anxiety going on. `' Reports having Racing thoughts, physical restlessness, `' my attention is bad .'' Poor focus and concentration. Feeling down most days `' just think why do I deserve this..'' Low energy, difficulty performing daily task.. Appetite is poor. Denies losing weight. Denies previous history of eating disorders. However client is underweight. Endorses thoughts of feeling worthless, hopeless, guilt about her mother's death. Frequent thoughts about death. Anhedonia. Frequent crying spells `' its more of a rage type of cry. I get so aggravated about everything. `' repowers irritability and periods of heightened energy but symptoms do not last for several consecutive days. Days inflated self-esteem , decreased need for sleep and reckless behavior. Denies SI HI or A/V hallucination and I will say one thing about Tri County back in 2017 tried to put me on medication that INCREASED my nightmares as I read the side effects carefully what bull s**t and also this medication for insomnia was to increase my appetite what bull s**t that doctor was. She didn't; care about my needs at all; she only cared about what she wanted me to believe. Anyways she wanted to put me on Remeron at 15mg and I read the gigantic long list of side effects and I'm like seriously? Also some of the side effects are shocking and some really scared me. Also after reading this medication can make you aggressive to some people but yeah if you want to read the side effects of Remeron be prepared to be super shocked. However, speaking of aggressive behavior. That's what happened with the second ADHD meds that I was put on and started with an s THAT I was put on as a kid. What are you guys trying to do? f**k me up? Drug me? However I understand when I was put on and forced to take Adderall to suppress my unknown behavior none of the doctors could figure out what was wrong with me. It was watered down meth. Basically I was put on watered down meth until I stopped eating when in elementary school and I couldn't really tell what was reality anymore and I was in a zombie like state. The only thing I faintly remember is sitting at the lunch table staring out and space and not interested in eating. Basically I was drugged as a kid to suppress my unknown behavioral problems because the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I feel like I suffer from an I.D. Crisis because I went to several doctors after doctors after doctors saying you've ADHD and nothing else is wrong with you. Finally when I turned a teen that's when I found out I don't have ADHD and not even close and a lot of doctors swing me around with Aspgers and Autism and that I could possibly have this. Wasn't till 2017 and 2020 till I was 100 percent confirmed of what was really wrong  with me.  I'm not sure what the SSI doctors said as my dad didn't request to see the papers. The only thing I hope the company didn't put was that I was ADHD because I was hyper on coffee and I was delirious for not eating because the interview went on for 3 hours. So I probably f***ed up my chances there as well. So I kind of don't want to see my SSI report and I'm sure the lady that interview me was like this bitch is stupid. I failed the spelling part I could tell by the 8th-9th grade stuff because she was like let's move on. I also wondered if she was thinking I was fake guessing because I gave up on the 8th grade-9th grade math figure out the puzzle/next pattern sh*t. I also was so hungry I didn't give a sh*t about them making me subtract, add, divide and all that simple stuff I basically fumbled. Pretty much sure they ranked my IQ lower than what Tri County did which was a 79. Again keep in mind this is for an academic. This has nothing to do with free radical judgment thinking. For people that might get the wrong idea of this message. I didn't give up. I rushed but tried my best. Don't get the wrong idea. You might find things silly as always and my IQ is 79 because like this blog has stated I can only do 8th grade comprehension/spelling and I can only do basic math. Yeah I know you probably think that's stupid that my IQ of 79 is based on I can only understand 8th grade level and that's all folks.

Beelzebub

01/05/2022 02:28 PM 

Rules:
Current mood:  creative

So here is what kind of messages I don't want to receive on this website. I know you might think uh what? Do you understand what website you're on? Yes I'm. However, the Friend Project website didn't work out. I had 101 views on my profile page and only got two friend requests and keep in mind guys this was a week of staying there. Was my profile too weird there? The thing is and I think that's why people don't talk to me, is that normal websites aren't for me. Nothing works out at all. Alternative websites work for me and Role Playing websites. However I know this company has other RP sister websites that they've made but I don't want 10 + websites I'm logged into. 5 is my max. What I mean by that is websites that you find people to chat onto. Social media apps I've limited myself to three. Instagram, Snapchat and Discord. I don't want lots of social media apps and I'm highly not interested in owning a lot of them. But I'm getting sidetracked haha.   Don't send me a request if you're into sexual RP chat, I'm not intersted thank you very much and any account that adds me with a suggestive or sexual picture will be blocked.   I'm not interested in a full blown chat about RP, I would like for us to have other chats.   You might think uh have you forgotten what website you're on? Uh no when I was on here a few months back there were many accounts looking for just friends and chat. So yes. I'm aware of what platform I'm on. I'm not dazed and confused and I know what I clicked on lol.   My profile is required to read. You can read my profile in your free time, or let me know if you need more time to read my profile because that's totally okay!

ˢᵗʳⁱᵏᵉ // ᴄʜᴀʀᴍ

01/04/2022 11:20 PM 

Droolies' Roolies. [Rules]

OKAY BIG ONE HERE. It’s not so much a rule as it is good to know. EVERYTHING on my profile in the boxes is considered public knowledge; that’s why I set it up to look and read like a news site! It doesn’t matter who your character is, so long as they’re in BNHA or crossing over into it, that knowledge would be public in the media of that universe. The only difference would be if she’s coming to your universe, which we’d discuss at that time.    For BNHA though, her arrest, her schooling, her role as a sidekick, etc. are all known. Is there more to those stories? Yes, and not all of them paint an accurate picture of events, that is intentional. Now, stuff I post in blogs, such as samples and drabbles, is less likely to be considered public knowledge and I will mark them accordingly! So, for example, if your character wants to call her a murderer or a convict or bring up her sidekick status, go for it, they could 110% know that about her (as they have access TO know that about her, whether or not they do is up to you). What they more than likely would not know is that she used to do vigilante work while attending KetsuButsu, that is limited knowledge since she did it incognito and only select characters would not only know her vigilante alias AND her student alias! So, walking up and calling her Deathgrip? Fair game. Walking up and calling her Puk (vigilante alias)? Prolly not, depending on who you are writing as. The difference is with her status as a villain since I stopped the articles at the Kamino Ward Incident. Her villain status is debated only by the public, pro-heroes, students, and the League of Villains would know it to be true, and other villain organizations or people could also debatably know. The public, civilians, knows there is a villain matching her general physical and quirk description named Charm.~    If you have ANY questions, please feel free to ask! I mean it! ♥    Drooly Cooly and Deathgrip were both old screen names for Tatsuo. I’m the same mun as before, but the muse has drastically changed. She used to be a student, but I’ve aged her up significantly. Can I still use her old details? Sure, but I vastly prefer her as an adult.~ A side note, if you recall her using Gefrassig solely, I’ve decided to change it to her mother’s surname instead. She’s no longer riding her father’s coattails and the swapperoo makes that feel more solid. Online now, that little blinky bab. It will lie to you. Frequently. At least when it comes to me because I don’t usually log off. Online Now doesn’t mean I’m actually around! I pinky promise I’m not ignoring people when I’m not answering. Well, technically I am, but it’s not like ignoring, ignoring. 500 messages don’t make me come back faster, in fact, they will prolly make me answer you slower as I try to process why in the world you’ve done this. I write a lot. I don’t shut up. It’s actually a problem, especially when I get into something I’m writing. You don’t need to match length and I will try to tone it back if it’s too much! Please let me know if I go overboard. I would much rather re-type something than just have it left to rot in the void. This also applies to a starter that you’re not jiving with, for whatever reason.  Greetings. I never know what to do with them. Do I give a little banter? Do I stay ooc? I don’t know. So I typically send a little drabble and an ooc. I’m sorry if that’s a peeve, but hey it’s not a copypasta, I can say that much! On the topic of copypastas, I don’t mind them; I know some people hate them and won’t answer them, but I don’t mind them. Themes and genres I’ll write: Anything aside from pure combat and smut/romance. Pure combat, like the T1 or tournament type stuff, isn’t my jam. I will do spars and fighting within our storyline, that’s fine. Smut and romance are reserved for my RL significant other, who I’m trying to convince onto the site, but otherwise nah not happening.~ Even if he doesn’t join, I still have Tatsuo as taken/uninterested. Now, if you’re cool with this and wanna write some angsty “but my character loves you” thing, sure just understand it will be one-sided.  Discord? Ye, I usually don’t care, feel free to ask. A good percentage of my images are commissioned from artists! I’ll be leaving their links under every default and a master list here. Some of their stuff is NSFW so click links cautiously, I will try to mark the ones I know produce NSFW work, but many are currently active and I may miss some!  Artist Masterlist: ©AizatJ; Link » YCH ©Ayumi-okigawa; Link » YCH ©Dezmi; Link » YCH (NSFW content) ©LilianMorgan; Links » YCH, Tumblr, DeviantArt ©Migurinvi; Link » YCH

pretty bird (ᴡᴀʀʙɪʀᴅ)

01/04/2022 03:48 PM 

silent hour

He took me by surprise,and in a second I knew I was held,captured,only to be used,I knew I could do nothing at all,my feet were cold and his hands were armed,he scratched me and molested me with all he had,my neck was and my heart went slow,after having his fun,he tightened his hold,his work wasn't done until my body was sore,he stomped me on the chest with his brand new boots,hit my head and broke my arm with his beatings and his calm,he wanted to see me dead now,I gave him what he wanted,as I could not move acted dead,he left me dying told me his name was 'Angel',my only company now was the silence of the trees,His name was Angel,but evil were his deeds.. 

pretty bird (ᴡᴀʀʙɪʀᴅ)

01/04/2022 03:56 PM 

Brain Monsters

I wish that I could trust my brainTo, at the very least, remain the same,Forever wed to depression's corner.In the dark, growing colder.But now Paranoia like a flower blooms,And I hear the footsteps as he haunts my room,Breathes down silky skin of neckTo prove he's there and away I shan't get.His shadow lurks around every turn,And he taints the world with smells that burn.I am lonely in this terrorOf stalker and murderous specter.I tell them he's coming to get me,But alas, only I can see him.I wish that I could trust my brain,But it makes monsters all the same. 

pretty bird (ᴡᴀʀʙɪʀᴅ)

01/04/2022 03:58 PM 

Open Harley Quinn RolePlay Starter

Stashing her clothes into her bag and the infamous blue and red makeup wiped from her face, Harley tried to look somewhat presentable before walking into theapartment she shared with her roommate. No longer with the Joker, Harley was on her own now and she was making an attempt to live a normal life.  Or…well asnormal of a life as one can have while still maintaining a criminal lifestyle. She could’veprobably went straight and ditched the life of crime, but there was no fun in that. Sinceshe wasn’t with the Joker, Poison Ivy or Catwoman, it was much easier for Harleyto blend in. In a new place, with a new roommate and a new life in a new city, Harleyhoped this would be a better start for her. “Carol?” The blonde called out, kicking the door shoot with her foot. “Are ya home?” Carol quickly was wiping the sweat off her forehead that accumulated from the mask she was wearing. They called her something along the lines of ‘female Captain America’ Despite the numerous times she had called herself Captain Marvel. She was still with SHIELD but with the Avengers in a sort of turmoil, Carol had to take things on her own. It wasn’t easy, she had a roommate for Christ sakes and a crazy enemy who wore blue and red, as if to mock Carol. As Carol stashed away her costume in the hiding place, she heard Harley call out for her and almost dropped her keys to lock the compartment. Locking it quickly, Carol ran out of the bathroom and grinned unsuspectingly at Harley.  “I just got back from work.” She told her, brushing a strand of her hair away from her face. “I was thinking about ordering pizza, sounds good?” She asked.

𝐃𝐄𝐕𝐈𝐋 𝐌𝐀𝐘 𝐂𝐑𝐘.

01/04/2022 09:02 PM 

𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐑𝐔𝐋𝐄𝐒

1. ADULTS ONLY, THIS MEANS YOU NEED TO ACT YOUR AGE. 2. IF YOU HAVE AN ISSUE WITH SOMEONE, EITHER TALK TO THEM DIRECTLY OR BLOCK THEM.3. NO DIRTY FIGHTING IN BLOODY PALACE. THE BLOODY PALACE IS FOR SPARRING AND TRAINING ONLY.  4. EVERYONE IN THE DEVIL MAY CRY VERSE IS OP, THIS MEANS THAT THE VIDEO GAME PLAY DOES NOT EQUATE TO THE FACT THAT IT TAKES A COUPLE OF HITS TO ONE HEADSHOT TO KILL AN ENEMY.5. BE CIVIL OR FLOCK OFF. 6. WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS GROUP STAYS IN THE GROUP. 7. ABSOLUTELY NO DRAMA!  THIS RULE IS IN PLACE SO THAT I CAN KEEP A PEACE OF MIND AND NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEY SAID SHE SAID BULL. IF YOU CANNOT ACCEPT THIS, THEN PLEASE PACK YOUR BAGS AND LEAVE ENAMEL CITY. 8. EVERYONE IS ACCEPTED IN THIS GROUP AS LONG AS THEY DO NOT START DRAMA WITH ANYONE.9. THIS IS A SAFE SPACE FOR EVERYONE.  

𝐅𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐟.

01/03/2022 08:52 PM 

Sinnoh Team

         TeddiursaGliscorWhile traveling northward through Sinnoh, Basil's party stopped to rest and search for nearby Berries and Combee hives. While scavenging, Gligar happened upon a stray Razor Fang and became quite attached to the item as it knew it could evolve with it and become more helpful to the professor-to-be. Basil wasn't sure why Gligar wanted to evolve, but decided that he'd help Gligar acheive their goal. That night, they'd go to the Combee hive and evolve while also acquiring the honey Basil needed. While it was a struggle, Gligar succeeded and evolved into Gliscor.Unlike Donphan and Aggron, evolution didn't alter Gliscor's personality by much. It was still a jolly Pokémon who loved spending time with Basil and company. When Basil needs letters or packages delivered over long distances, he now relies on Gliscor to deliver them.         DonphanAggron         Magnemite         MunchlaxOn his travels up to Snowpoint City, Basil paused briefly on Route 205 for a picnic with his team, setting up a campsite as a celebration. While mixing the special honey jelly for Teddiursa, the group accidentally attracted a wild Munchlax. Prepared to defend their hoard of food, the action was apparently unnecessary. The Munchlax was a rather calm and cautious one and asked for food. Seeing an opportunity, Basil exchanged some of his food for Munchlax to join his party. He saw the chance to perfect a type of food for Pokémon that would satisfy even a Munchlax’s voracious appetite; thereafter, many of Basil’s experimental dishes are first fed to Munchlax before being given to other Pokémon.

𝐅𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐟.

01/03/2022 08:49 PM 

Hoenn Team (Pt. 2)

         Teddiursa         Gligar         DonphanAggronUpon Lairon evolving into its final form, its cantankerous nature finally settled, allowing Aggron to properly function as Basil's ace Pokémon. While it still enjoys being mischevious, it has learned to recognize the time and place to be impish and waits until battle to play its pranks.After visiting Professor Birch in Littleroot, Basil was lucky enough to acquire some Aggronite and a Key Stone, allowing Aggron to Mega-Evolve. Basil rarely ever relies on that power however, as research has pointed towards Mega-Evolution causing substantial stress and pain to Pokémon.         MagnemiteMagnemite is among Basil’s most level-headed Pokémon, being rather modest and kind. When Basil was passing through Mauville, he decided to investigate the New Mauville power grid where many Electric-type Pokémon gathered. Seeing the hoards of Magnemite and Voltorb, he decided to settle in Mauville and catch one of those Magnemite in order to properly study how these Pokémon fed themselves.Much to Basil’s surprise, Magnemite became an outstanding assistant in his lab outside of being a research subject. It’d hand him equipment, help him in feeding the other Pokémon, and watch over his lab. Mangemite likewise shares Basil’s preference in battling, only choosing to when no other options are available.

𝐅𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐟.

01/03/2022 08:48 PM 

Hoenn Team (Pt. 1)

         Teddiursa         Gligar         DonphanBeing one of the only two Pokémon on Basil's team that enjoys battling, Phanpy quickly evolved into Donphan shortly after arriving in Hoenn during a sparring session with Aron. When Phanpy evolved, its naughty behaviors became somewhat tempered through its time with Basil and his team by learning that the easiest way to make friends was to simply be kind and patient. Still, it sometimes ignores Basil's requests and does its own thing. Still enjoying battles, Donphan spars often with Lairon when the two need to exert energy.         LaironBeing one of the only two Pokémon on Basil's team that enjoys battling, Aron quickly evolved into Lairon shortly after arriving in Hoenn during a sparring session with Phanpy. Its evolution heightened its impish nature and qualities with bouts of aggression, leading Lairon to frequently challenge other Pokémon and trainers. While this was much to Basil's chagrin, he accepted that Lairon was battling for fun and tried to support his Pokémon's drive.

𝐅𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐟.

01/03/2022 08:38 PM 

Orre Team

         Teddiursa         Gligar         Phanpy         AronWhen Basil traveled to Orre to study Poké Snacks, his field research led him to meet Aron in the Cave PokéSpot. Aron had been noticing how other Pokémon came to eat the Poké Snacks, and likewise noticed Basil studying in the background. So, it decided to play a trick. Instead of eating the Poké Snacks, Aron took the metal tray that Basil placed the Snacks on.Not seeing Aron’s actions as a prank, Basil decided to catch the Pokémon to better study why it preferred the plate to the Poké Snacks, though Aron quickly gave up the tray once its joke had been discovered. As Pokémon and trainer grew closer, it took Teddiursa's place as Basil's protector, though it still caused Basil enough trouble through its pranks along their journeys. Teddiursa makes sure to step in to keep Aron in check.




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